Howdy and a few other buggers.

Howdy!  I just realized I haven't sat down to write anything in about 2 months.  These three and their carpool schedules have not only taken up all my time this school year, but also all of my brain power.  Remembering when to get people here and there and with what gear and stuff is enough to send anyone into early onset Alzheimers.  It's a miracle I haven't forgotten anyone yet, but that fact is a true testament to why I don't sit down to write out the funny side of life.  Add to all that madness that I have started crafting and my sit down and think time has gone to nil.  Yes, I did say crafting, but don't worry I still have on my skinny jeans and stiletto boots to offset any sort of sister wife image. ;)  So, today I decided to step away from the glue gun and paint and let my brain be free!

The subject of my free brain is the carpool line.  Many of you fight this beast every single day and understand why I might need to blow off a little steam about it.  I have decided that carpool lines are indeed the bane of my existence, which actually makes them sound way more glamorous and exciting than they actually are.  They actually suck. Real hard. ;)  I have three carpool lines in my life currently and I have a different hate relationship with each of them.  The one thing I can see that might make all of our carpooling lives a little easier is Carpool Ed.  It should be a mandatory class that all people driving thru a carpool line need to complete (and pass) before they receive a sticker to proudly place on their windshield.  And, no car should be able to pass thru the line without that sticker in full view.  The class would be simple really, just some basics to keep the line moving at a reasonable pace, and keep us behaving in a respectable manner.   Then some of us wouldn't be forced to yell things like A**HOLE or A**WIPE in front of our children at 7:20 in the morning.  So next time you hear one of my children rip off some sort of naughty word you know who to blame.  The carpool line. ;)  I will not take responsibility for these actions because during carpool I am usually having some sort of out of body experience due to the stupidity or utter lack of common courtesy offered up by the other carpoolers.  Unfortunately, until the children can drive themselves to school we are stuck like super glue to this carpool debacle every single day.  I figured that up and it will be a total of 19 years of carpooling.  And I now wish I had not figured that up. ;)

 Here are a few things the class might include...

*Use your blinker...it's driver's ed 101 and really not that difficult
*Go WITH the flow of traffic when exiting the parking lot...this seems like common sense to me
*Don't put your car in park and exit the car to get your child out....that's what parking spaces are for.
*For the love of God, don't stop in the middle of a busy street and let your kid out...think of the children
*Don't and I repeat don't wait til your child is exciting the car to discuss lunch money or anything else for that matter.  Are you not ready for them to get the heck out of your car?
*Have your child ready to hop out.  It's really not necessary to keep the five point harness engaged once you are in the school parking lot, not moving.
*If your school offers multiple stopping points in front of the building to speed things up, use them.  It's ok for even the littlest of carpoolers to hop out at the #6 spot and walk to the front door of the building.  Most schools have a nice long covered sidewalk full of teachers keeping a watchful eye on the children.
*It is not necessary to watch your child enter the school building before you pull away from the drop off point....especially your high schoolers. ;)  Don't worry, if they decide to take a detour to miss that test in first hour, the school will let you know.

Now I know that this might seem a bit harsh and I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone's carpool sensicals.  Just remember, there are a host of parking spaces you may use to park and walk your child right to their desk if you choose.  Then you won't have some crazy person yelling DUMBA** at you.  By the way, things can get awkward real fast if you happen to have your doggie in the car and the windows are down so that cute little fuzz ball can stick her head out. ;)  Just sayin.

The wine for today is The Guilty, it's a nice shiraz; it might or might not relate to the previous sentence. ;)

Happy Thursday!

That's just false...as in not true.

It's halloween.  That magical night that comes just once a year when you can be anyone or anything you want to be!  All three of the boys picked their costumes and were ready to go.   Because I am one of the meanest mom's on the planet I won't let them be anything scary, so funny it is. 

The big one decided to be John McEnroe...

 The middle one Joe Dirt...

 And the little dressed up as a Jester...

Because I run on the maturity level of any one of my three children at any given time, of course I dressed up too. ;)  Who doesn't want to dress up as someone else and ask for candy?  Well, ok I didn't actually go around trick or treating, but it sure was tempting.  Instead, I just trick or treated out of my three amigos candy bags. ;)  This year I was waffling between a 70's girl or a cheerleader when my mom found some long white gloves tucked away in a drawer.  Bingo!  Audrey Hepburn it is!  I have the perfect black dress in my closet (because a girl just needs to have a few of those black dresses on hand) and set off to the local hobby store to get all the supplies needed to make the cutest blinged out long cigarette in all the land.  All that was left was applying the appropriate amount of Hepburn makeup.  I had purchased some deliciously long false eyelashes to complete my look and headed to the bathroom to "get all done up."  The middle was in there with me, already suited up in his joe dirt costume and looking every bit the true redneck.  

The false eyelash box I have purchased is clearly labeled with the words "EASY APPLICATION".  False advertising at it's best.  My first clue that this might be a little more involved than the 10 minutes I have allowed to apply the beasts should have been the 3 page instruction sheet which was printed in type so small it would take the Hubble telescope to see it.  This, however, did not deter me, after all the box says "EASY APPLICATION".   So I forged ahead.  I pulled the first lash off the plastic, ummm, why are these things not labeled right and left?  Let's see here, this fits on this eye going this way or the other eye going that way.  I'm feeling a bit like a toddler trying to hold a pencil right now, all chubby handed fumble fingers. ;)  But I continue to forge ahead.  Next comes out the little bottle of glue, why this didn't seem like a bad idea I have no explanation, except that I was hell bent on glamming it up.  After 6 attempts to attach the lash I have decided goes on the right eye, I have it stuck from the middle to the outside corner with the inside corner flapping in the breeze.  The middle kid takes one look at me and says in his best redneck accent, "Whoa...that don't look right."  Really?  Thanks joe, why don't you go find some dirt and play in it, this is real women's work.  I finally get the inside corner to attach (sort of) and decided to head on over to the left one.  Good Lord, my biceps and triceps are burning from holding my arms up and my jaw aches from holding my mouth open for so long.  Why must the mouth be open as wide as possible when messing with the eye? ;) After another dozen or so minutes of "attaching" the left lash, the unthinkable happens.  A dab of the glue gets in the corner of my eye!  Oh. My. Gosh.  Ouch.  My eye is burning and watering and then sticks shut at the inside corner.  Shut.  Like will not open.  EEEEK!  Of course, this throws me into a complete panic and I start throwing warm water on my eye, dragging my contact out as quickly as possible, and then holding my face under the faucet so the warm water can run straight thru my eye.  This whole scene is accompanied by a long string of curse words that I am not too proud of, and hysterical laughter by one Mr. Joe Dirt.  When my eye finally opens it appears that satan himself has taken it over as it is glowing bright red.  I have also washed both eyelashes off my face and they are snaking their way down the drain, hopefully heading back to the place where they have come from....no not Target, hell.   At this point I have 5 minutes left to turn my nose running, water logged, demon eyed self into the lovely Miss Hepburn.  Awesome.  After a bottle of visine (which by the way sting in a way any bee could be proud of), a towel, my hairdryer and a good old fashioned chip clip I was ready to start the makeup again.  Forget the stupid lashes, a good thick strip of eyeliner will have to do.  

Not exactly Hepburn, but it's the best this girl could do after the eyelash debacle.  Next year I'm dressing up as anything that includes a mask. ;)

The wine of the day is Seven Deadly Zins, it's a wonderful heavy zinfandel perfect for anyone wishing to think of something besides eyes glued shut.  Too bad that blinged out long cigarette wasn't actually a straw. ;)

Happy Saturday!

You should see the other guy

A couple of days ago the middle and little were playing outside.  They pulled out every single size and kind of ball we have and a couple of baseball bats.  This turned in to something of a science experiment...which ball goes the furthest when hit with a baseball bat.  This hypothesis worked just fine with the bouncy ball, the baseball, the tennis ball and even the football; then they decided to try a basketball.  As many of you may have already guessed or might expect, it didn't go very well.  The middle took a full swing at the basketball which absorbed all of the power and "rebounded" the bat right back into his face.

This is how that turned out.  Yikes!  Only by the grace of God does the kid still have an eyeball.  Needless to say, he got a hooky day from school.  Although, I hate to use the word "hooky" as it implies something fun, and there is nothing fun about this.  As he was preparing to take his banged up self back to school he was trying to decide what his "story" should be.  He thought it would be way to embarrassing to tell the other kids he hit himself in the face with a bat.   I suggested he tell people he was in a huge fight with some massive 8th grader concluding with "you should see the other guy."
"That statement is a little used up mom, I've got think of something more creative."  So the five of us sat down and constructed a few tall tales.  And we came up with some doozies...flipped his dirt bike, snuck the razor out and rolled, suck the razor out and rolled while trying to cross the highway, jumped off the roof and landed on a rock (I don't know about that one, must have been offered up by the little ;), and my personal favorite offered up by the teenager, "Just tell everyone I punched you in the face, that's awesome."  Umm, not really that awesome.  It's always a good idea to have a family meeting to make up lies...A+ parenting at it's best. ;)  He finally decided to tell the truth because maybe it would keep some other kid from trying to see how far a basketball will go when hit with a bat.  Smart kid. :)
Interestingly, the verse from the devotional book he and I are reading together last night was "You are kind, Lord, so good and merciful.  You protect ordinary people, and when I was helpless, you saved me and treated me so kindly that I don't need to worry anymore." Psalm 116:5-7.  His one eye got huge and I watched his face light up, "What?  Wow!  Did you hear that verse mom?  He protected my eye!  And maybe he's going to use me to protect someone else from doing the same dumb thing!  This is awesome!"  Wow is right buddy, how did you get so smart and so perfectly centered on what is true and right?  Impressive!
So today he is at school getting the sympathy attention from all the ladies.  I'm expecting a call from him (or child protective services) at any moment, because when the attention wears off he is going to be needing some more Motrin and an ice pack. ;)

The wine of the day is Left Foot Charley pinot blanc; in honor of my left eye middle kid. ;)  That kid is definitely going to make me want a glass or get a gray hair or have a heart attack....hopefully the first one will stave off the latter two. ;)

Happy Thursday!

Family Vacation

Traveling is one of my most favorite things to do.  I'm happy to go anywhere really; the beach, mountains, road trips, but exploring big cities is my favorite!  In an effort to pass this passion of mine along to my three monkeys we often load the whole fam damily up and head off on a wild adventure.  Oh, these excursions are always grand with lots of things to see and do; new eats, fun treats, new places to be explored.  Soon we will head off on our next adventure, to the beautiful southern California town of San Diego.  We've been once before and have hit the touristy spots, so this time we will be looking for the quirky, off the beaten path kind of places to enjoy!  Needless to say, I am beside myself, like a kid on the night before Christmas! Inevitably on these family vacations there are a few moments that I would rather just forget.  At least once there will be a full on brawl between at least two of the three in a public place, someone will "get their gagger going" over some new food we are trying and one of them will say something really inappropriate right at exactly the wrong time.

A few years ago we took the three amigos to NYC, which is by far my most favorite big city on the planet.  It was fabulous!   We went to one of the last games in the old Yankee stadium, sat on the front row of the Lion King on Broadway and saw the Statue of Liberty.  We also saw a drunk guy peeing in the subway, but that's just a part of the big city experience...right? ;)  We also did the very touristy tour of the Empire State Building.  The whole trip really was fantastic, but as with all great family vacations, there were "those moments".  Here is one of them....

No mother, I don't care how perfect she is or how perfect her family is, has ever gone on a family vacation and not made this face at least once.  Someone just happened to catch mine on film. ;) Of course, I bought this in poster size so that I can laugh at myself and this family vaca moment often. :))

There is no wine today because I am busy packing for 4 people and that takes all my faculties in perfecto condition!  I am certain that I will need to try several new wines during our adventure and will report back on all the fun things I find!

Happy Wednesday!

Jill of All Trades

A few years ago (ah hem...yes just a few) I attended college where I received a bachelors degree in public administration with a minor in psychology.  All that means is that I know a lot about political science, a little about business and even less about psychology. ;)  Since that time I have done a lot of different things, many of which I have known nothing about until I got started, and didn't really know enough to do them right until I was finished. ;)  What this has created in me is something of a "Jill of all trades".

I'm not a doctor but I can tell the difference between a cold and a sinus infection, can spot a nasty case of strep throat from a mile away and know the dosing on a dozen different medicines in 5 different weight classes without consulting the bottle or box.

I'm not a chef but I can throw a meal together in less than 30 minutes using only the 5 things left in the pantry.  No comment on how it tastes, but hey....it's usually better than cereal. ;)

I'm not a race car driver but I can get my mid size SUV from zero to 45mph in 0.3 seconds when leaving late for morning carpool, and can take a corner on two wheels without even a pause in the speech I'm giving on "what not to do".  Let's not discuss my parallel parking skills, race car drivers don't have to parallel park. ;)

I'm not a psychologists but I can talk someone off a "teenage" cliff, negotiate inter-family differences (i.e.  brother's beating the crap out of one another over a baseball game in the yard) and deal with all manner of crazy people at the local little league ball park.  ;)

I'm not a magician but I can pull a costume for dress up day, a football mouth guard and a land run lunch pail out of a hat (or maybe somewhere else ;) all at the same time and in a moment's notice.

I'm not a carpenter but I can build a bird house, re-build a bird house ;) and put together a Thomas the tank engine train set in 23 different ways.  I can also assemble a "mother of pearl" sleigh in the front yard...or throw it in the trash depending on the day. ;)

I'm not an agriculturist but I can plant flowers, shrubs, vegetables and trees and then re-plant them again when they don't make it. ;)  I can also run a lawn mower (a fact I kept hidden for many years), the leaf blower and an edger...I will not, however, attempt to use that weed eater thingie...it's straight from satan.

I'm not a teacher but I can over see homework for 3 kids in 15 different subjects on many different grade levels, including a foreign language in which the only words I know are "mas cervaza's por favor".  Let me clarify for just one second here that I did use the term "over see" not teach.  My expertise with math ends with long division and English?  Well, this blog is proof enough that I have no grasp of basic grammar. ;)

I'm not a seamstress but I can sew on a button, hem a pair of pants (and I do consider it sewing to use the most wonderful wonder under when hemming), and use my Bernina effectively enough to sew a straight line and make curtains.

In essence I am what my dad would call "a Jill of all trades, but a master of none".  The one thing I can say that I definitely am, is a mom....not a perfect one but a happy one.  Maybe by the time I am done mothering I will know enough to start.  I think they call that a Grandma. :)

The wine of the day is Le Faux Frog chardonnay in honor of my mom.  She is a master of many things, sewing and frog collecting are two very notable ones, but she is also a master mom and a super master grandma!

Happy Monday!

Find Your Inner Dog

Every single morning several things have to happen for us to get out the door.  Lunches must be made, teeth brushed, backpacks packed and a quick check to make sure everyone is wearing underwear. Not even kidding on that last one. ;)  Regardless of what everyone gets done, there is one thing that will for sure happen, every single day.  As I grab my purse and keys the little dog will be at the back door waiting.  There is no way we will ever drive carpool without her.  If only the boys were as easy to train as she is. ;)  One day last week as we are speeding along the middle asks from the back seat, "Mom, why do dogs like to stick their head out the window?"  I have no idea.  Immediately I hear the button push and the window going down.

If a question needs answering, this kid will find the answer.  After a few minutes of fresh air, with thankfully no low hanging branches, he pops his head back in the window and says, "Woooo, that's a LOT of fresh air!  I am wide awake now!"  Oh yeah?  Well, you look like Elvis, so much for that shower and blow dry you did this morning. ;)  The big kids says, "Hope you kept your mouth shut, it would suck to go to school with a bug stuck in your teeth."

The wine for the day is The Blake Dog cabernet, it is delightful with this "red chicken" we are having for dinner and I do love my black doggies!

Happy Sunday!

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

Well, a few weeks ago I made a pledge to myself that I would find some time every day to do something that I love doing...write.  Now I am sitting here at my computer laughing at the fact that it has been almost a week since I last wrote one single word.  Where does the time go?  I have no idea, but I think that someone somewhere has put time into some sort of hyper-speed mode.  Truth is, I know exactly what is happening with the time, it is consumed with carpools and baseball games and tennis matches, add to that homework, trips to the orthodontist, dentist, physical therapist, and the usual 25 loads of laundry in a week, and that's where time goes.  It's a crazy crazy schedule we are running on these days, and it takes every second of every day and all of my energy to keep up with it.  One way I have been keeping my sanity is thru a stellar play list on my ipod that is both energizing and inspirational.  One of my favorite songs is by Mandissa called These Days.  Here are the lyrics, you can see why it applies so perfectly. ;)

I never liked Mondays or bad news
Or breakin in new shoes
And mornings when I can't find my phone
Nobody likes traffic or short nights
Or situps or long flights
But sometimes that's just the way it goes
It's funny what you use to help me grow...

So I'll learn to love these days
Life along the way
In the middle of the crazy
God your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs
You're the only hope I've found
The Lord you meet me in the madness

I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days

I can see a silver linin
When the sun's not shinin'
Even when you choose to bring the rain
Oh, but I'm trustin your leadin'
'Cause your Lord of all my joy and all my pain

So I'll learn to love these days
Life along the way
In the middle of the crazy
God, your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs
You're the only hope I've found
The Lord you meet me in the madness

I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days

I could wait the hundred years
You gave me here the days when you near
The days when I was out there
Lookin for what comes next
Oh, cause every minute,every hour, everyday
Is such a gift and I can say
I'm thankful for each day

So I'll learn to love these days
Life along the way
In the middle of the crazy
God, your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs
You're the only hope I've found
The Lord you meet me in the madness

So I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days
I'll learned to love these days 

Yes, I love these days! Even when they do include dirty socks, piles of sports equipment and math with letters. ;)  Now, if I could just find a car with a lazy boy in the drivers seat, a tv in the dash and instant delivery from my favorite local drink place I'd love these days even a little bit more. ;)  Just to be clear, I speak of the Sonic Drive-In for cokes with good ice, not instant delivery from the local wine store. I'd have to find a car that included a driver for that to work.  Heeeyyyy, hold on one second, I think I might be on to something. ;)

The wine for the day is a lovely pinot grigio from Mommy's Time Out because I'm taking a time out right now and I like it!  I wish someone would put me in time out more often, doesn't that time out system use 1 hour for every year?  A whole 28 hours in time out? ;)  I'll take it!  

Happy Saturday and Boomer Sooner!

This. Is. Awesome.

The last few days have been filled with a whole lot of boy stuff.  Baseball games, tennis matches, hurt elbows, physical therapy, orthodontist, first girlfriends, lost athletic cups (that were found in my desk drawer...ewww) and dirty uniforms. Life. It is what it is, and it's full on crazy, or maybe that's just me. ;)

Yesterday the big kid played in a tennis tournament.  I've sat thru what feels like about a million of them in the past 6 months, but this one had a couple of interesting plot twists.  One, it was 76 degrees and sunny outside instead of 110...nice!  Secondly, the big kid moved up to the 16's because he will turn 15 later this month, that opens up a whole new level of competition which is going to be great for him.  Learning to loose gracefully is a wonderful life lesson. ;)  Just kidding, he actually played really great with a fabulous attitude and I am very proud of him. :)  Lastly, his first serious girlfriend came to watch him play.  I've known these days were coming, that one day my boys would like another girl more than me.  What I didn't know is how great it would be!  She spent the entire day hanging out with us watching the big kid play, over to the little one's baseball game and then back for the last of the tennis matches.  I got to spend my day sitting by a girl and talking about girl things; like last weeks episode of Glee and nail polish.  This is much better than my usual band of spectators who like to spend the day climbing all over me begging for money for the concession stand, or pleading with me to pleeeeeaaassseee come play catch with me!  We shared candy and talked about school and tennis and all sorts of things!  This. Is. Awesome.  I have had a glimpse of the future and it is going to include GIRLS!  It's like a light shining at the end of a dark stinky shoed, dirty athletic cup, nasty gross sock infested kind of tunnel.  The hubby, being the dad that he is, approached this milestone a little differently.  Upon first meeting her he says, "Hi new girl friend, I'm Bud but you can call me, Mr. last name."  Thank goodness we have boys because if we had a daughter she would never get a second date. ;)

The wine for today is Black Box chardonnay.  This has been a weekend of sports, sports and more sports.  If it hadn't been for the one girlie bright spot I would have drowned in a sea of testosterone, and I think that calls for a tap in the kitchen.  The black box is actually really good wine and that little tap on the front comes in quite handy for the quick refill. ;)

Happy Sunday!

Book Review

Today I decided to attempt a book review.  I've never done one before, but I do so love to read and sometimes there are books that simply must be shared.  So here is my very first book review ever.

THE HELP

BY

KATHRYN STOCKETT

Read it.  It's awesome. ;)

Today's wine is Cupcake chardonnay simply because it is one of my favorites, it's a beautiful early autumn evening and I'm feeling a little feisty.  I think I'll just go ahead and "cliche out" and have a cupcake with that cupcake wine. :)

Happy Tuesday!

Tree Huggers Beware

**WARNING**  If you are easily offended by the wasting of our world's natural resources, you might want to turn back now.  If you can appreciate creative young minds at work, read on.

The hubby and I recently had a fun night out on the town.  There was a dress, some super sassy high heels and even jewelry involved!  I know...this is huge!  I actually looked like a girl, instead of a taxi driver, maid, cook, laundress and sports mom.  It was really quite lovely, and I've decided we must make this a more normal occurrence.  A girl needs to feel like a girl sometimes, especially when one doesn't have any girls to live vicariously thru. ;)  While we were out, the big kid was in charge.  This usually works out quite well, but since he has learned how to communicate verbally over the phone with a girl, he is a little more distracted.  During his "marathon" (Little kid's word for it) conversation the younger two got bored and decided to "work on a few new ideas".  This is how that ended up....

The Terminator

The Master

The 16 Point Death Star

And they like to call this one 

"The Ex-Wife"

So, an entire ream of copy paper and 6 rolls of tape later the house was secure, and the boys had an arsenal of weapons Tony Stark could be proud of. ;)

The wine for today is Raw Power, it's a powerful shiraz that will make your taste buds happy!  What would make me happy is for someone to come thru with a shop vac and get all the prototypes off my floor! ;)

Happy Monday!

Go on...tell it like it is

Most kids are pretty good about getting the truth out there, hence sayings like "out of the mouths of babes" and "kid's say the darndest things".  The Little one at this house has honed this gift to an art form.  He will absolutely tell it like it is and most of the time has better delivery than any stand up comic.  ;)

On the way back from picking up the Big from tennis practice recently the little is happily ensconced in the back seat playing on his itouch.  Once inside the neighborhood the big asks if he can drive the rest of the way home.  These baby steps towards him becoming a driver are more for me than him; the kid was born with an innate sense of handling all things motorized.  The Big and I switch sides and as we are waiting for him to adjust the seat, the steering wheel, all the mirrors and the radio (seriously, we are going approximately 200 yards;), I hear the little one talking to himself in the back seat.  He's speaking just loud enough so that we can all hear him, "Dear Lord, please don't let me die today.  I haven't even gotten to double digits yet!"  Nice vote of confidence. ;)  The Big kid looks over at me and says, "Does he really think I'm going to kill us between here and the driveway?  Awesome."

Later that evening I went to tuck the Big kid in for the night.  Surprisingly, he was on the phone.  Anyone who has ever met a teenager knows why this was such a huge surprise. ;)  I asked him if he was really on the phone?  Like for real?  Talking?  Out loud?  Wow!  Who are you talking to?  It was a girl.  Whoa, this is big!  Talking out loud for real on the phone to a girl?  Maybe there's hope for him yet. ;)  I quickly duck out of there and leave him to his phone call and go tuck the little one in.  As I'm giving him a big hug and kiss to send him off to dream land I tell him, "The Big kid is on the phone....with a girl!"  He looks at me a little confused and then says, "On purpose? Are you sure it's not just the pizza place and they think HE'S a girl, you know one time when he was babysitting us he ordered pizza and the guy called him m'am."  This statement is followed by howls of laughter...from both of us. ;)  This is the same kid that coined the phrase "jerk ass" when he was 4 and used to yell from his car seat "Moooom, the Middle is jackin wiff me."  I hope he never looses the ability to "tell it like it is", it's quite refreshing unless, of course, he is commenting on my wrinkles or any added poundage. ;)

The wine for today is Fat Bastard Shiraz.  I'm pretty sure this is a phrase that the Little will throw out one day, probably used in the right context in the middle of church or some other equally inappropriate location. Awesome. ;)

Happy Sunday!

Brotherly Love :))

Morning rush hour went a little more smoothly this morning.  Everyone was up and ready and out the door on time! First stop, high school for the big kid.  He hops out and is walking into the high school with several other kids (who, btw, look like grown ups ;) and the middle rolls down his window and pops his head out the window.  In the loudest sing song voice he could muster up at 0' dark thirty in the morning he yells, "BYE BYE BIG KID, I LOOOOVVEEEE YOU!"  Every manchild walking into the school stops to see who that was directed towards.  The big kid gave an eye roll worthy of any 13 yr old girl, and ducked inside real fast.  The middle pops his head back in the car and howling with laughter says, "There's nothing thats not funny about that...nothing." :))  I knew retribution would be swift and complete; I did not realize it would start within seconds of us pulling away.  The middle kid's cell phone almost immediately starts buzzing and buzzing and buzzing.  It buzzes about 75 times, all one letter texts from the big kid.  The dreaded spam has begun.  All I can do is chuckle and thank the baby Jesus for brotherly love....and unlimited text messaging. ;)

The wine for today is Middle Sister Rebel Red...yummy!  I bet my mom could have written something similar about sisterly love between myself and the middle sister when we were younger.  It wouldn't have included cell phones and text messages, that was "back in the day" of cassette tapes, leg warmers and big bangs.  Retribution took a little more time and effort than just pushing a few buttons; sometimes it would take hiding under my bed until I turned my light off and grabbing the ankles as I hopped into bed.  To this day I still jump into my bed from 3 feet out to avoid that happening. ;)  Cheers to all the siblings out there and this unique and wonderful kind of love!

Happy Friday!

The House of Cards

School mornings at my house are crazy, as I'm sure they are at every house around the world where children reside.  If you have someone else besides yourself to get ready and out the door at a certain time in the morning you are going to have chaos, it's just the way it is.  Three different schools this year means three different drop off times at three different locations, timing is crucial.  I would liken our morning routine to a house of cards, if one little thing goes outside it's schedule line the whole thing is coming down.

This morning I woke up with a start to a pitch black house and rain falling softly outside.  My sleepy brain was in total disarray and it took me a couple of minutes to even figure out where I was.  Then with a panic I realized I was in my bed and I didn't hear the stirrings of any little people.  The clock said 6:48, we need to leave the house by 7:15. Yikes!  I flew out of bed and down the hall to the boys bedrooms fully expecting them to be finishing up showers and getting dressed.  What did I find down there?  More darkness and total silence.  I went from room to room and each door I opened resulted in the same thing, a sleeping boy snuggled way down under the covers.  At this point I'm thinking maybe my clock was wrong, I mean it is completely pitch dark outside.  Crap, am I having a crazy moment and it's really two in the morning?  Because this has actually happened to me before.  I started running around the house like a lunatic looking at each clock which I have to get real close to and squint my eyes because I have not put my contacts in yet.  I'm quite sure this looked like a scene right out of Modern Family, just missing Gloria's funny accent, and some of her other attributes. ;)  After much running and squinting with a few stubbed toes, curse words (cuz that really hurts) and a graceful trip over the dogs' water bowl (that leaves a nice mess), I decide that it is indeed 6:53 and the house of cards that is our morning rush hour is in a pile on the floor.  After the last 5 minutes of what can only be described as an awake nightmare, I'm in no mood to play 52 card pick up.  I can see only one course of action here....head back to bed.  Two hours later we all got up and I heard this...

YOU ARE THE BEST MOM EVVAAAA!!  THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! For letting us sleep in!!

I told them they could pay me back by coming home from school and doing their homework without argument and not fight with each other.  Suddenly, it's like three baby deer in the headlights.  Maybe I accidentally switched to French or German?  I am definitely not speaking a language any one of the three of them can understand.  Finally the Little breaks the stunned silence with, "I'll try to do some of my homework during inside recess, but that's the best I can do."  What is he a used car salesman?  Alright you three truants, in the car. ;)

The wine of the day is...well it's whatever they are serving at the poolside cocktail party I'm going to tonight with my boyfriend.   It's nice to have boyfriend that still takes you to parties even after almost 18 years of marriage. ;)

Happy Thursday!

It's Time To Find the Humor Again

Well, here it is another month gone by without time to find the blog.  To be honest, I've had a little trouble even finding my sense of humor the last couple of months, and really, who wants to hear about that?  Not even me. ;)  Occasionally the craziness of life with three boys sneaks up on me and I completely forget how to stop and smell the roses.  I hate it when that happens because it's so not me.  So, I am now officially slowing myself down at least for a few minutes everyday to find something funny in this insane world I live in.  The blogs may be short but they will include something that touched me that day either because it was funny or sweet or maybe just a yummy new recipe and the children's reaction to it.   In the end it will be a nice little grouping of articles that I can hand over to the boys one day.  I am quite certain that at some point they will all need some sort of therapy and doggoneit I want those therapists to know my side of the story. ;)

And, let's not forget a wine choice.  It is always advisable to locate a good bottle of wine before the whine hour begins.  Even at 9, 12 and almost 15 there is still a whine hour.  The face of that whine has changed and now has rolling eyes, a deeper voice and occasionally a naughty word in it, but it's still real whiney.  I stand by the fact that all whine is made more tolerable by a little wine. ;)

Today's wine is Whoop Whoop cabernet.  In celebration of the return of my sense of humor I'm gonna have a glass, dance around my kitchen and "raise the roof"!

Happy Wednesday! :)

Extreme Sports.

The title of today's blog might imply I have some witty stories about my boys making up their own extreme sports in the yard.  Something like setting up some bike ramps a good 5 feet apart and attempting to jump the gap with no thought as to what would brace the ramps in place, or even "attaching" (using that term loosely here) a laundry basket to a skate board to make "laundry cart racers".  But no, this blog actually pertains to the other side of all of that extremeness.

Sometime in the last couple of months I have received the following card multiple times.  I think people are trying to tell me something. ;)

By the way...my boys have actually done exactly what those three crazies in that picture are doing. ;)  When I first looked at it, I did a double take to make sure someone hadn't snapped a photo in the front yard. ;)

While the before mentioned extreme sports and the one in the picture have actually taken place here, my tale of extreme boy parenting has a different spin on it today. I've been wrestling with the question lately, how do you parent these extreme boys without freaking out?"  I'm not just talking about being worried about physical harm, although that is a constant threat here, but how do you handle all of their issues.  How to teach them to become responsible young men who respect their families, friends and all the blessings in their lives.  How do you dictate without being a dictator?  The older the boys get the more we are moving from extreme boys to extreme parenting.  Well, except for the slide that was fashioned out of blankets from the top bunk down yesterday, that is still extreme boy. ;)  Of course there is no answer to all these questions, all we can do is feel our way thru and do the best we can.  They don't come with an owners manual...which is really too bad. ;)

The wine for the day is a large coke from the local convenience store.  Tonight I am taking the big one to freshmen orientation and I don't think it's appropriate for me to show up there with a glass of red wine. ;) Maybe a glass of an old favorite, Cupcake chardonnay, will be in order afterwards.  I'm quite sure my brain will be informationed and teenagered out by the time I am home for the evening. ;)

Happy Tuesday!

Not burned out...just burned up!

Well, hello!  It's been awhile since I have been on the blogspot...a long while.  I have no excuse for this except that it is summer and has been over 100 degrees for 50+ days.  To explain just a bit, summer is not my favorite season.  I'm a fall girl, I love crisp air and being outside without dripping sweat.  I love football and Halloween and Thanksgiving.  I love all the boys in my family having birthdays and celebrating an anniversary with my love.  I love....oh jeez, I sound like a kleenex commercial right about now.  HA!  That's so not me.  I really do love fall, but this is summer which also has fun to offer.  It's just busy and doesn't leave much time for anything extra....like writing on my blog, which I miss terribly.  It doesn't help that this particular summer is the hottest one we have had in something like 150 years.  Some people say it's hotter than hell; I say we must live somewhere a ways south of there. ;)

In an effort to escape this inferno I loaded up the boys and we headed to the mountains of Colorado!  We made the trip in one day...11 hours and 53 minutes to be exact which is a loooong time to be in the car with or without three boys.  Well, the middle would like for me to clarify, that time actually did include a stop at the liquor store.  After 11 hours and 22 minutes in the car, stopping for tequila was a major priority for me. ;)  Some day when they travel with their families, they will look back on this and understand why that was my first stop. ;)  The week was a blast and included lots of hiking, biking, a trip to Vail for dinner with friends, a trip to Denver for time with family and Broncos training camp and mom beating all three boys down the mountain on the alpine slides.  Never underestimate the power of the mom boys...never. ;)  We ended the week with a visit to the local hat store.  Here is how that went....you might actually be able to hear me laughing thru these pictures.  :))

We ended up coming home with a cute version of the birthday hat (which I will torture them all with over the next two months;)  And these two beauties....

 Yes, that is in fact, a mullet on the middle.  No one, and I mean no one, can pull off the mullet wig like this kid.  He wore that around town the entire last day entertaining the masses.  :))  The big kid and I enjoyed walking about 10 feet behind the two of them and watching people's reaction to the mullet and the afro.  Well I enjoyed it, the teenager was waffling between thinking it was hilarious to being mortified.  I had to keep reminding him that we would likely never see any of those people again.  That argument worked real well until we stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere Kansas on the way home the next day and some girl said, "Hey, aren't you the guy walking around with the kid in the mullet?"  HA!

On the way home, I decided to try and set a record.  I don't know why I do this to myself...the only thing I can come up with is that I like to think I am in control. ;)  We headed out early and I informed the boys that they should only sip water because we would not be stopping.  We only stopped twice the entire day.  We were on target to make it home in a record time of just under 11 hours when we got about 11 miles from home and the highway closed.  Seems there was a massive grass fire up ahead, which is the way things go inside the "ring of fire".  It took exactly 3 hours to travel the last 11 miles to home.  I did indeed set a record...in the 8 years we have been going to Breckenridge, that was the longest it has ever taken to get home.  And, there wasn't even a liquor store stop involved. ;)  So I can't control the temperature or the traffic, but I can control the tequila. ;)

The wine of the day is Twisted River Riesling.  A nice light white is a good choice when it's 110 degrees outside.  I'll sign off today with this to ponder....when John Denver is singing, "It's Colorado rocky mountain high.  I've seen it rainin fire in the sky."  Is he speaking of how high the mountains are or a different, slightly less legal kind of high?  I was all excited to play some John Denver for the boys on the way up the mountain until this question was raised.  Awesome...when did they get so smart? ;)

Happy Monday!

KC & My Sunshine Band!

This past weekend we loaded up the family truckster and headed northeast to Kansas City.  A few months ago Bud won tickets to a Royals game in a charity auction, and we were excited to explore a new city and see some baseball!  

Friday night when we arrived at the hotel that was included in the auction package, it was pretty clear that we wouldn't want to be walking around late at night.  On one side was beautiful downtown Kansas City, and the other?  Let's just say it was a little less pretty. ;) Bud and the middle head out to find some snacks and things for our room.  Since there were no convenience stores towards downtown, they headed the other way.  They drove in and right back out of two different ones before Bud found one he thought was safe enough to walk in, a Fast Trip.  They were gonna definitely going to make this a fast trip. ;)  When they walked back out here is what the middle noticed while in the Fast Trip for appox 2 minutes....they were selling weird looking pipe things in the window (Umm, that would be a bong), two people shopping in there had large knives on their belt, there was a paper with the headline "Armed Robbery at the Fast Trip" and the store clerk had a 9mm strapped to his belt in plain site.  I even want to know how he knew is was a 9mm.  That is one observant little kid.  When they were safely back in the car he rattled all of that off in true hyper spas middle kid speak, clearly a little nervous about all he just took in.  Bud, in an effort to calm him down, sees a respectable looking guy (at this point I think that probably means someone without a weapon) and says, "Look there's a white guy." The middle feeling some relief at this site sees another man walking in and says, "And there's a jalepeno."  What?  A who?  He immediately follows up with, "I mean hispanic, jeez dad....let's just get out of here!"  That fun incident was followed up by the 5 of us attempting to share a room with one queen size bed and a fold out couch.  The little had to sleep on a chair with it's ottoman wedged between it and the wall.  Needless to say it wasn't the best night's sleep any of us have ever had. ;)

Saturday night we headed to the Kansas City Royals stadium, which by the way has a huge crown on top of its jumbo score board.  This is my new favorite team. ;)  We spent all of pre game walking around this very cool stadium and playing in the kid zone; where they charge you $2 to run the 50 yard dash.  Genius.  So we spent about $50 on the younger two running, and some drunk guys made about $200 betting on how fast the little one would run it.  I should have gotten in on that action; there's a reason we call him dash. ;)

The game was great!  Our seats were right behind the Royals dugout so the view was awesome.  I mean who doesn't want to watch a bunch of young guys in tight baseball pants warming up right in front of them?  I mean, you could really see the field great. ;) The middle thought my comment at the game on the "view" was hilarious, "You are such a girl mom."  I take that as a huge compliment! :)  p.s. that's not his miller lite. ;)

 At one point late in the game the little two had conned dad into taking them back to the running and batting games and the big kid and I got some quality baseball bonding time in. :)  He also got a ball thrown to him from Melky Cabrera, our new favorite player.  Melky, which is first of all a stellar name, had a smile on his face during the whole game...even when he struck out.   He handed the opposing catcher his mask after dusting it off during a play at home, and just generally had a happy face.  I like people with a happy face. :))

The wine of the day is L.A. Cetto petite syrah.  On the way home we stopped at a little hole in the wall Mexican food restaurant for lunch.  It is my experience that these little eateries have the best Mexican food this side of the border, and this one did not disappoint.  Looking over the menu, the little one says, "Hola, Coma Esta?  See, now they'll think I'm Chinese."  What?  It appears we need to get our kids out of the stepford bubble a little more often. ;)

Happy Wednesday!

If you see the crap fairy, please tell her I'd like a word.

I've been off the blog now for quite a some time.  I write long detailed hilarious blogs in my head on a daily basis and then sit at my computer for approximately one minute before someone "needs" me.  I've never been this popular in my life!  Too bad I didn't hold this same attraction in high school...that would have been fun!  Apparently I'm a late bloomer. ;)  Over the past weeks since I have actually gotten something out of my head onto this blog, I have played about a hundred games of dominoes, gin rummy (gin is an important part of that game if you are over 21), nursed kids thru extreme dehydration, blown my referee whistle at least 1000 times (that is NOT an exaggeration) and reminded my kids how to do their own laundry.  If it wasn't for that last thing, I might have gone full crazy by now! ;)  I'm not sure who thinks a 12 week break from school is a good idea, but I'd like to locate them so we can have a word.

Someone else I am seeking out to "have a word" with is the crap fairy.  There are many types of fairies that I adore.  The tooth fairy, for instance, she stops by the house picks up something gross and leaves cash!  That's my kind of fairy.  The crap fairy, on the other hand, stops by the house when I am not looking and drops off "stuff"....she leaves with nothing.  After my recent bout of total house clean out I can only guess that she comes daily.   After 3 large trips to the Good Will store and 2 dumpsters full of trash bags, this house is a crap free zone.  I have laid out a plan to put the family on a 24 hour watch schedule to ensure the little bugger doesn't stop by to make any more deposits.  When I was finished explaining this stroke of genius to my children the little one says, "Ok, right on mom.  You can have the first watch."  Everyone thought this was hilarious until they noticed the crazy cleaning out gleam in my eye....this is serious.  The reason being, we have decided to sell our house.  It is rather large with an even larger, high maintenance yard (insert grimace here).  This seemed like a great idea (afterall, it is lovely) when we were home a lot and the big kid was happy to hop on the riding mower and take care of it for a nominal fee.  Now, we are constantly on the go to tennis matches, drills and lessons plus baseball practices and games.  Yard work has become our greatest nemesis.  I know, I thought my greatest nemesis was the crap fairy too, but apparently I underestimated the power of 105 degrees and a weed eater. ;)  So we have cleaned from top to bottom and side to side and our house is now for sale!  We are looking for something on little more than the size of a postage stamp that is still in our school district, and has enough bedrooms to keep the 5 of us at some distance from each other.  Well, at least keep the 3 at some distance from the 2. ;)  When all of this will take place, only God knows.  This is why they call it faith. :)  When a friend asked my husband if he was dreading the actual moving part he said, "Not really, by the time we move we won't have anything left to move."  Awesome!  Take that crap fairy!

The wine of the day is House Wine white.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some wine in the house in order to keep my sense of humor for the next few months. ;)  I'm also betting on some funny stories on trying to prepare a house to show with three boys and two dogs.  My only hope is that I can find some time in between vacuuming's to write them down. :)

Happy Wednesday!

More time?

So here we are 4 weeks into summer break, and I have come to a realization.  Things don't slow down in the summer...at all.  I had dreams of lounging by the pool watching the boys swim, reading good books and relaxing.  The reality has been a whole lot of running around to tennis practices, vacation bible school and tennis tournaments.  I think it has finally sunk in that time will indeed slow down...in about 10 years when the last one goes off to college.  And then I will be getting lots of pedicures, having lots of lunches with friends I haven't seen in the previous 15 years and travel the world over!  Until then I will be enjoying every moment of my time with these three precious (if not a little rowdy and occasionally annoying) boys. ;) So, if the blogging is inconsistent this summer it's not because a zillion things aren't making me laugh at/with them every single day, it's that I just don't want to miss a single laugh to sit down and write. I think I have written about a hundred blogs in my head over the past 4 weeks, not too many have made it to the computer...and I am totally good with that.  Really, I am.  These memories will store in my head, right?  I've almost got myself convinced. ;)

Two big things have kept me from the computer during the last week.  One is tennis tournaments with the big one.  He is doing really great!  Two second places finishes and yesterday a WIN!  He has also battled thru some personal issues that will be life altering for him.  He is learning at a very young age to channel his ultra competitiveness in a positive way.  Instead of loosing his temper and his concentration he is learning to use prayer and self control to focus all that energy and emotion on the task at hand.  To keep himself centered in the heat of the moment he has chosen to wear a cross necklace that hangs down inside his shirt, great tangible reminder.  That change in him is what got him from 2nd to 1st place, no better reinforcement for a positive change than that!  I am beyond proud of him, I am in awe of him.  To be able to control that at his age the way he did is most impressive.  He is learning to rely on God to help him thru the hard stuff.  I wish I had learned that when I was that young.  On the way home yesterday with his first place trophy sitting on his lap he said, "That was awesome!  I almost lost it a couple of times, but grabbed my necklace and said a quick prayer and all that rage went away.  Satan can suck it, he's got no hold on me."  Got to love the 14 yr old way of putting things. ;)

The second thing that has been taking lots of time is our new favorite family game, Mexican Train Dominoes.  Hours have been spent at the kitchen table with the 5 of us hunkered down plotting our next move and how we can go out first.  It is so much fun, I highly recommend it for anyone, probably age 6 or 7 and up!  It is also great summer math help, lots of adding going on....I like to keep the educational part on the down low. ;)  Check it out...all you really need is a set of dominoes and some little things to use as your "trains" or you can buy a set of dominoes packaged for mexican train and it comes with little trains.

So if you don't hear from for a few days it's probably because I am beating the pants off my family at dominoes. ;)  Guess who the 121 is?

The wine of the day is Barefoot pinot grigio!  When it's over 100 degrees every day you pretty much have to go barefoot; your wine might as well match your outfit. ;)

Happy Summer Tuesday!

The sky is falling...for real.

Yes...this is the actual temperature.

In my opinion, there should never be 3 numbers in a temperature...never.  This is just too hot.  It is so hot, in fact, that when the boys and I were at the theatre watching the new Kung Fu Panda movie the power went out due to lack of juice to meet the demand.   Have you ever been in a movie when the power went out?  It is dark...real dark.  Take just a moment and imagine the amount of screaming that might happen when it gets pitch dark in a movie....a children's movie...with a bunch of children watching it.  Now multiply that by 100 and you will have some idea of how that went.  I found it funny for about the first 2 minutes; the other 15, not so much.  They did get the power back on and we got to finish the movie which is very cute but a little sad.  At one point the little one leaned over and asked, "Are you crying?"  I said no, but this part is sad.  He replied, "Well I am."  Sweet boy. :)

Not long after the temperature topped out well into the triple digits this happened...

No, that is not a bowl full of golf balls.  That is hail.  Those giant ice balls were catapulting through the air for a good 30 minutes...with the sun out.  What?  Why is the sun out while hail is hammering down upon us.  And, where is chicken little when you need him?  There was no one running around here yelling about the sky falling down.  These crazy boys took a different approach...

Nice hard hat. ;)  Sending kids out in the yard during a hail storm with hard hats on...A+ parenting at it's best. ;)

The wine of the day is Big Whoop!  It's a red, has a screw top and is delightful.  I'm giving it a big whoop because when I bought it the sales girl asked for my ID!  I can't remember the last time I have had someone ask for an ID.  I think I usually walk in with enough of a haggard look about me that they automatically know I'm no where near 21. ;)  When I handed over my license she stared at it for a moment, glanced at me, looked back at my license, stared back at me and then said, "Wow, 70?  You look good for 70."  I am like a deer in the headlights.  I'm pretty sure I have that look in my eyes like maybe the elevator's not going all the way to the top.  I can't decide if she knows 70 is the year I was born or if she really thinks I'm 70.  I seriously can't make sense of it in my head, so I just mumble out a quick "thanks" while trying to decide if I look like I could actually be 70.  This aging situation may be worse than I thought.  Crap. She finally adds, "Oh yeah, I see a lot of people come in here that are way younger than 40 and look a LOT older than you."  Ohh, thank goodness, I can take a deep breath now. I  think the glaze finally leaves my eyes as we finish up the transaction.   I'm sure she is now thinking, "She may look good but she is duuuuummmmb."  HA!  I really am smarter than that. ;)

Happy Thursday!

Baseball and the skinny girl.

When we started baseball season it was so cold outside I thought I might actually freeze my arse off.  Fast forward a few months; we are still playing baseball and it is now so hot I feel like I might be sweating my arse off.  So which is it?  Do you sweat or freeze your arse off?  At the moment I'm hoping it's sweat, because it's about 105 degrees everyday for some unknown reason and just sitting at the ballpark leaves me in a puddle.  The other day I actually wore a tube top and short shorts to the ball park...classy, I know.  I'm going for a new look, it's called classy trashy.  It might include a bikini top and some cut off jean shorts if this little league season doesn't wrap up soon.  And believe me when I say...no one wants to see that. ;)  Since school has been out I've been on a steady diet of chicken fingers, mac & cheese and chunky peanut butter.  There's also been a few more trips through the local drive thru than usual.  When all the exercise you get is watching baseball and driving thru the local fast food joint, things are going to head downhill in a hurry.  My right bicep is the only muscle in my body looking good, thanks to the cork screw.  If I go to all screw top wines, I'm toast!  (not toasted....well maybe both;)

Last night the middle had his last regular season game.  I'm not sure if it was the heat or because it was the last of what feels like about a zillion games, but I was feeling a little feisty.  At one point I told the big kid that I was going to try and get thrown out of the ballpark.  Now, you have to know that normally the loudest I ever get at a little league game is a big CLAP or a well placed positive comment.  I'm seriously cracking myself up at the scene I could make if I started yelling crazy stuff out.  I told the big kid I was going to yell, "Sniff my pickle" to the ump.  And then follow that up with, "Oh wait, I don't have a pickle, sniff his pickle."  The look on his face was priceless, it was a mix between horror and humor. (If your not sure why that is especially funny check out my post from May 31st....careful, cuz it's a little naughty.)  As much as these three shock the heck out of me, sometimes it's nice to shock one of them for a change. ;)  In the end I didn't yell anything more obscene than, "Good hustle chill!"  I'm a real rebel. ;)

The wine of the day is Skinny Girl margaritas.  Yep, that's right, that isn't a wine.  But it sure is a yummy margarita in a super cute bottle!  The way this summer is going I'm going to be in the Betty Ford by the end of August, I'm hoping the Skinny Girl will keep me out of the fat camp. ;)  Don't you just love all my weight loss plans that don't include the gym? :))

Happy Thursday!

Nature? No thanks.

I am what you might call a fair weather fan.  I love to be outside when it is about 78 and sunny with no wind, no humidity and no bugs.  Basically, not where I live at all.  It is 78 degrees here about 3 days per year....unfortunately that is is not an exaggeration.  So far this June we have experienced record heat and no rain.  Not ideal little league watching weather...in my opinion.  I now have to take sunscreen and bug spray to every game.  Tonight I was sweating..I mean sitting at the ball park watching the little play some ball.  I had no less than 10 ants, 5 mosquitos and 40 flies on my person during the hour I sat there....so much for that bug spray. ;)  There also seemed to be some sort of little bug biting me which had me slapping at myself and contorting in all kinds of crazy poses in an effort to rid myself of them.  I don't know why I was the only person slapping at myself all evening....maybe the bug spray I used attracts rather than repels insects, or maybe I needed a shower?  Or maybe I've officially lost my mind in this crazy hotness and have started hallucinating.  Unfortunately, I think it's that last option. ;)  During the baseball bug madness, I receive a text from the big kid.  He and the middle are hanging out at home having opted out of the ball park...don't blame them.  Seems there was a snake in the pool.  Well, I hope he drowned.  Sorry to all the snake lovers out there, but I am not counted among you.  Very little creeps me out as much as something slithering around on it's belly.  I told the big kid to just leave the snake in the pool and dad will take care of it when we get home.  This is what I got in reply....

What the heck?  I thought you said it was in the pool!  Why is it all banged out looking and why is it showing it's mouth to you like that?  And most importantly, why do you have your phone that close to it's face while it is showing you it's mouth like that?  Run!  Run away fast!!
All I got back to that was the laughing face. :))  Then he sends one more text..."it's all good, long story, tell u when u get home."  I'm really hoping at this point that this whole thing has been a fake.  Something the two of them have cooked up to get a reaction out of me.  I'm thinking they are probably home laughing at the mental image of me jumping out of my chair and screaming bloody murder in the middle of the little one's baseball game.  No such luck....this is the story I got when we got home.

Big: "We grabbed it with the broom handle and flung it out of the pool.  Then we shot it once with our BB gun."

Middle: "That stupid snake was striking at the end of my broom handle!!  No one strikes at my broom handle and gets away with it...that hacked me off so I shot him.  I loaded him up... 3 times in the body, once in the head and once right in that stupid open mouth."

Me: "I'm guessing it is dead. (met with peals of evil laughter from both of them)  Where is it now?  Is it out of the reach of the dogs?

Big: "No way, we were totally freaked out after the middle busted a cap in him so we threw a bucket over it.  It's waiting outside on the patio."

Well thanks a heck of a lot for that. ;)  I'm waffling between wanting to freak out because they are so cavalier about "busting a cap" in something, and being thankful that the nasty creature is definitely not going to slither across my path tomorrow when I'm digging in my flower beds.  I think I'll go with thankful and hope no one has nightmares tonight...ok, I hope I don't have nightmares, those two will be just fine.

The wine of the day is Leaping Lizard chardonnay.  I'll take a lizard any day over a snake...at least they have feet.  I think I just decided to call the local gardner to take care of those flower beds, hope he's packin some heat with those hydrangeas!

Happy Tuesday!

Summer Break?

It's day 3 of summer break and I am seriously questioning the sanity of the genius that decided to call this a "break".  I think that maybe they were confused about the definition of the word itself.  My activity level has gone from zero to sixty in about 2.4 seconds.  And I use the word "my" quite loosely, because none of these activities have to do with ME.  Not that it has to be all about me, but maybe just a little would be nice. ;)  I actually caught myself counting how many days were left of this so called break after the first day.  Not good.  By the way, there's a LOT...a whole lot, I won't even bother writing down how many.  Suffice to say, there will be a lot of research done for this blog over the next 12 weeks. ;)

Today I loaded up the children and we headed to the local sporting goods store.  The middle and little need new shoes.  I guess their shoes being two sizes too small explains why they have been hobbling around here whining about sore feet for 2 weeks.  When someone starts complaining about small shoes my general answer is, why don't you try cutting your toenails and get back to me.  The middle accused me of stunting his growth by not letting his feet grow to their full potential.  Ha...whatever. ;) Picking out new athletic shoes for boys should be a quick and easy task...right?  After 1 hour (not even kidding about that) the little was still trying on different shoes and the middle was complaining that the store didn't have anything cool.  We finally decided on some....or I finally said I am leaving, you can come with me and bring a pair of shoes for me to purchase or you can stay here and keep trying on, your choice.  On the way to the check out a rather loud fight ensued about whether it was hot outside or not.  Seriously, is that worth fighting over?  So, being the excellent (or at my wits end) mom that I am, I yelled at them, "STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER IN THE STORE."  No less than 30 people (ok, maybe 5 people) turned to stare and the big one burst out laughing, "Mom, you just yelled at them to stop yelling..HAHAHAHA!" Thanks for pointing that out buddy, appreciate ya. ;)  Once we finally arrived at the checkout I asked the young girl working if she made good money working at the sporting good store, would she maybe want to babysit all summer for 3 boys instead?  She glanced at me, checked all three of them out and then gave me a look that said, sorry but there is not enough money in the world for that mess.  With all the sympathy a 16 yr old could muster she said, "Sorry, but I think I'm good here."  Smart girl. ;)  

I'm off to game 5 of the week, apparently baseball doesn't "break" either. ;) When I get back I'll be popping the cork on a bottle of Royal Bitch merlot.  I searched long and hard for a bottle of Whiny Haggard Bitch wine but no one has bottled that one yet.  I guess my inspiration hasn't reached any wineries just yet. ;)  

Earmuffs boys...Earmuffs!

**Just a quick warning, there is some undesirable language in todays post.  If you don't wish to see that sort of thing, please stop by another day.  People aren't naughty here everyday.  Well, actually they are naughty every day, but the naughtiness doesn't always include foul language. ;)

This past weekend the boys had the awesome experience of being bat boys for the big 12 baseball tournament.  They suited up early Saturday morning in their big 12 shirts and khaki shorts, tossed their "all access" passes around their necks, grabbed their helmets and gloves and off they went.  The tournament was played at the local minor league baseball stadium, so hanging out on the field and in the dug outs was a pretty big deal.  There were 4 games Saturday so they spent the better part of 12 hours down there.  Sometimes they were in the dug out getting bats in between batters and making sure the umpires had plenty of balls.  You can imagine the amount of jokes that job brought about, enough to make my ear holes hurt. ;) Other times they sat on the field on the foul ball line just past third or first base and grabbed any foul balls hit their way.  Pretty cool gig for these baseball loving kids.  When you sit on the foul ball line it's called "shagging". I was under the impression that shagging was when you wore your pants down around your hiney....apparently there are multiple meanings for the word as I was told when I heard the little was shagging the first game and I about had a come apart.  "You will not go down to that ballpark with your underwear hanging out!"  This brought guffaw laughs from the bigger two as they explained he would be "shagging" the foul balls not his pants, and then the big one added, "You know mom, shagging can also mean something else....at least thats what I heard on Austen Powers."  Ummm, let's keep that definition to yourself there big kid, I'm about explained out on sex terms for this month. ;)  Famous last words.....

After 4 games I had 3 reeeallly tired and stinky boys.  Sitting at dinner late in the evening the middle one says, "Ha!  I learned 9 new words today!"  I'm thinking there is no way there were 9 naughty words he didn't already know.  The first one he blurts out is "frick".  Well, I just breathed a huge sigh of relief that he didn't just yell out the big "F" word and then told him he shouldn't say that, it's just another way to say the really bad F word.  He comes right back with, "Well, then how come you always call me and the little frick and frack?"  Uhhh...I have no intelligent answer for this, I think because my brain has been fried by the sun all day...at least that's what I'm blaming it on. ;)  At this point I send the little one to the shower, I'm not sure what he learned from his baseball experience, but I have no wish to add anything to it.  The middle moves right on to, "One guy called a player on the other team a pu...puuuu....puss...a puss" (Hearing this I interject, oh, puss isn't that bad of a word, it's just that junk that oozes out of infected sores, gross but not really naughty)..."no it's not that, it was something....something else....a PUSSY! Yes, that's what he said!  He called him a pussy!  I don't even know what that means."  Ohhhh, well I do and you don't need to know what that means!  You also never need to say that word again unless you are referring to the rock group The Pussycat Dolls.  Never...NEVER EVER say that again!  NEVER!   After I went on that tirade, I started to panic.  Often when I make too big of a deal about something that is just the spark needed to start a ginormous forest fire.  Crap.  Sometime in the next few days I'm gonna have to call in the forest rangers to douse that fire, probably in the form of a little tobasco on the tongue.  Or maybe my personal favorite, imitation maple flavoring.  Blech!  Smells so good, tastes so nasty!

Not to be outdone in this dinner shock wave the big one says, "Well, I learned something new today too."  I seriously doubt that.  But then he says, "Ya a player on this team said "sniff my pickle" to the other team.  I've never heard that before.  What do you think that means?"  I have no idea, but it sure is imaginative.   We batted around a few ideas and finally decided it was another way to say suck my wiener?  That's my best guess.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am actually sitting at the dinner table with my two oldest kids (who aren't that old) discussing different ways to say suck my wiener.   Oh. My. Gosh.  In an effort to regain some form of parentalness I offer the following advice, in my best kindergarten teacher voice, for the next day's championship game, "Now boys, at tomorrow's game you might hear some bad words, but remember those players are actually grown ups and can say whatever they choose.  Of course, that doesn't make it right and when you are grown up you should choose better words, especially when you are around children such as yourselves.  So tomorrow when someone strikes out, just throw your hands up over your ears like earmuffs until the words stop."  The big one looks at me like I've lost my mind and says, "OoooKkkkk, right on mom, we'll just throw up the earmuffs right there in the dugout."  And the middle one adds, "Um, mom you do know that we can hear right thru our hands, don't you?" Sheeesh, why don't you two just go to bed now. ;)   Just in case you were wondering who is going to come in last in the mother of the year award....I think it's pretty obvious I've got that one wrapped up. ;)

The wine of the day is The Slammer syrah because I'm pretty sure that's where I'm headed for the parenting genius I've got going on around here.  I just hope it's the crazy slammer and they have pink straight jackets and cupcakes there....sounds like a happy place. :)  Oh dear, maybe they really have driven me crazy!

Happy Tuesday!