The W(h)ine Hour..

Every household has one…the whine hour. It’s those bewitching hours between approximately 5 and 8pm in the evening when the kids go crazy and moms across the world lose their minds completely. It doesn’t matter if you have babies, toddlers, kids, tweens, or teens; those hours of dinner/homework/bath time/ bedtime can just about do a momma in. What is a girl to do? It’s simple and brilliant actually, just slip in a little wine of your own! Now, I’m not suggesting anyone down a bottle of whiskey everyday between the hours of 5 and 8, in fact if you do that you will have a few whine hours of your own the next morning. Basically, a little wine during the whine hours will keep you out of the padded cell at the local cookoo house where people will walk by and peek in your little window and say things like “aww, poor mom has lost her marbles” and “hmmm, now that’s a crazy one right there, sits in there all day and hits herself over the head with a Barbie and a hotwheel”. Don’t smirk, it can happen.

So, enjoy the tales of my whine hour, and how I survive each and everyone of one of them with a sense of humor and a good bottle of wine! After all, the whine hour comes around every single day, a girl has to be prepared!


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Earmuffs boys...Earmuffs!

**Just a quick warning, there is some undesirable language in todays post.  If you don't wish to see that sort of thing, please stop by another day.  People aren't naughty here everyday.  Well, actually they are naughty every day, but the naughtiness doesn't always include foul language. ;)

This past weekend the boys had the awesome experience of being bat boys for the big 12 baseball tournament.  They suited up early Saturday morning in their big 12 shirts and khaki shorts, tossed their "all access" passes around their necks, grabbed their helmets and gloves and off they went.  The tournament was played at the local minor league baseball stadium, so hanging out on the field and in the dug outs was a pretty big deal.  There were 4 games Saturday so they spent the better part of 12 hours down there.  Sometimes they were in the dug out getting bats in between batters and making sure the umpires had plenty of balls.  You can imagine the amount of jokes that job brought about, enough to make my ear holes hurt. ;) Other times they sat on the field on the foul ball line just past third or first base and grabbed any foul balls hit their way.  Pretty cool gig for these baseball loving kids.  When you sit on the foul ball line it's called "shagging". I was under the impression that shagging was when you wore your pants down around your hiney....apparently there are multiple meanings for the word as I was told when I heard the little was shagging the first game and I about had a come apart.  "You will not go down to that ballpark with your underwear hanging out!"  This brought guffaw laughs from the bigger two as they explained he would be "shagging" the foul balls not his pants, and then the big one added, "You know mom, shagging can also mean something least thats what I heard on Austen Powers."  Ummm, let's keep that definition to yourself there big kid, I'm about explained out on sex terms for this month. ;)  Famous last words.....

After 4 games I had 3 reeeallly tired and stinky boys.  Sitting at dinner late in the evening the middle one says, "Ha!  I learned 9 new words today!"  I'm thinking there is no way there were 9 naughty words he didn't already know.  The first one he blurts out is "frick".  Well, I just breathed a huge sigh of relief that he didn't just yell out the big "F" word and then told him he shouldn't say that, it's just another way to say the really bad F word.  He comes right back with, "Well, then how come you always call me and the little frick and frack?"  Uhhh...I have no intelligent answer for this, I think because my brain has been fried by the sun all least that's what I'm blaming it on. ;)  At this point I send the little one to the shower, I'm not sure what he learned from his baseball experience, but I have no wish to add anything to it.  The middle moves right on to, "One guy called a player on the other team a pu...puuuu....puss...a puss" (Hearing this I interject, oh, puss isn't that bad of a word, it's just that junk that oozes out of infected sores, gross but not really naughty)..."no it's not that, it was something....something else....a PUSSY! Yes, that's what he said!  He called him a pussy!  I don't even know what that means."  Ohhhh, well I do and you don't need to know what that means!  You also never need to say that word again unless you are referring to the rock group The Pussycat Dolls.  Never...NEVER EVER say that again!  NEVER!   After I went on that tirade, I started to panic.  Often when I make too big of a deal about something that is just the spark needed to start a ginormous forest fire.  Crap.  Sometime in the next few days I'm gonna have to call in the forest rangers to douse that fire, probably in the form of a little tobasco on the tongue.  Or maybe my personal favorite, imitation maple flavoring.  Blech!  Smells so good, tastes so nasty!

Not to be outdone in this dinner shock wave the big one says, "Well, I learned something new today too."  I seriously doubt that.  But then he says, "Ya a player on this team said "sniff my pickle" to the other team.  I've never heard that before.  What do you think that means?"  I have no idea, but it sure is imaginative.   We batted around a few ideas and finally decided it was another way to say suck my wiener?  That's my best guess.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I am actually sitting at the dinner table with my two oldest kids (who aren't that old) discussing different ways to say suck my wiener.   Oh. My. Gosh.  In an effort to regain some form of parentalness I offer the following advice, in my best kindergarten teacher voice, for the next day's championship game, "Now boys, at tomorrow's game you might hear some bad words, but remember those players are actually grown ups and can say whatever they choose.  Of course, that doesn't make it right and when you are grown up you should choose better words, especially when you are around children such as yourselves.  So tomorrow when someone strikes out, just throw your hands up over your ears like earmuffs until the words stop."  The big one looks at me like I've lost my mind and says, "OoooKkkkk, right on mom, we'll just throw up the earmuffs right there in the dugout."  And the middle one adds, "Um, mom you do know that we can hear right thru our hands, don't you?" Sheeesh, why don't you two just go to bed now. ;)   Just in case you were wondering who is going to come in last in the mother of the year award....I think it's pretty obvious I've got that one wrapped up. ;)

The wine of the day is The Slammer syrah because I'm pretty sure that's where I'm headed for the parenting genius I've got going on around here.  I just hope it's the crazy slammer and they have pink straight jackets and cupcakes there....sounds like a happy place. :)  Oh dear, maybe they really have driven me crazy!

Happy Tuesday!

Friday, May 27, 2011


Today was the last day of school.  The little is done with 2nd grade.  The middle is done with elementary school.  The big one has completed middle school.  Oh. My. Gosh. We have just completed the fasted 9 months of my life, I can't believe I am saying this but....time is flying by!  It's moving at some sort of hyper speed that is going to have my kids all grown up before I blink three more times.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I love my bigger kids, love them!  They are so much fun, but growing up, especially for boys, means growing apart and that is tough to take.  It's what they are supposed to do and my head totally gets that, but my heart isn't quite ready for that yet.  It's like there is a war going on inside me that has me waffling between laughing and's frustrating.  I really like the laughing better, so inch by inch I'm catching my heart up so that we are all laughing together. :)

This evening the big kid and I had some time to hang out together, that is a blessing.  I asked him how he was feeling about the end of middle school.  He said, "I'm ok with it.  It feels weird to be done, but I'm excited to be going to high school next year.  Still a lot of things have happened during the past three years.  Remember when I threw up on my desk the first day of 6th grade?  And you brought me clean clothes and made me stay all day with barf on my shoes?"  Oh great.....well, he can just add that to the list of things he'll need to tell his therapist one day. ;)  He continued on, "I'll never forget Coach from this year and how she helped me decide between tennis and baseball.  She was always there for me even when I was acting like a fool on the court.  But, the hardest part of being done with that school was saying good bye to the special kids today."  He has used one of his electives the last two years to help in the special education class.  Working with those kids every day for two years has forged some serious bonds.  He told me he started crying today when he had to say goodbye to them. I'm sure he will be thrilled that I just shared that.....he can add that to his "how my mom screwed me up" list too. ;)  Each one of those kids gave him a big hug, one of them said, "I'll never forget you Big kid."  Another one told him he was their favorite.  I think the one that hurt the worst was when the little guy who calls him Gray (no idea why, it is no where near his real name) said, "Hey Gray, you gonna work with me today?  Wanna work with me?"  The big kid was on his way to graduation when he stopped in to say goodbye, so there was no working together today.  His eyes started tearing up while he was telling me about it, so I know it is really weighing on his heart.  I was trying to come up with some sage words of advice when he says, "It will be ok, I'll be able to go by there next year and say hi to all of them sometimes and eventually they will all be at the high school and I'll get to see them there."  Well, I have nothing to add to that...clearly he is more mature than I am.  He's going to do just fine in high school next year. :)

The little one's take on all this graduation and ending of school and blah blah blah goes like this.  "I don't know what all the big fuss is's over, so what, now it's summer and then school will start again.  Jeeez, what's the whooptee do about that?"  Leave it to him to cut things right to the quick.  Then he pulls out his report card and is reading it over and finally says, "APPARENTLY I don't follow directions very well."  And I just spit water out my nose. :))  Thankfully it wasn't the wine hour yet, cuz that would have hurt a little bit. ;)  At least he learned a big word like "apparently", the year wasn't a total loss.  :)

The wine of the day is Kistler Pinot Noir.  No, it's not in honor of the big kid's first kiss last night, they only held hands.  At least that's his story and he's sticking to it.  It's my goal to make those "my mom's mistakes" lists as long as possible.  I'm pretty sure that last tidbit of info will be at least 3 entries. :)  Wahooo!!

Happy Last Day of School Friday!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Boys are good!

We've had another first.  The big kid went to his first school dance tonight...with a date.  What?  I don't know how someone as young as I am has a child old enough to be going to a dance....with a date.  These kinds of events make it hard for me to keep up the rouse that I am only 27.  Jig's up sister, I'm going to have to start owning my 41 and fabulous. ;)

I was informed by the big kid that I would need to have him at a friend's house an hour before the dance started for photos.  He said a few guys and their dates and a few girls that were going as a group were all meeting for photos and going to the dance together.  This sounds like a fine idea to me, of course I want a photo or two.  What happened once we got there was straight out of a John Hughes film. :) Turns out there were about 30 girls and 4 boys coming for photos.  All 30 girls were running around squealing "You look so pretty, I love your dress, Eeeeek this is soooo fun!"  The 4 boys were huddled in a corner with a glazed over, deer in the headlights look in their eyes trying to figure out how to get the heck out of there.  Then the mom's started the photo brigade.  There were so many flashes going off you'd think a strobe light was going off.  I was hoping no one was prone to seizures. ;)  After about 30 minutes of all the girls getting photos in their various groups, as a whole big group, by themselves, with their bff's etc etc, it's time for the boys to come out of hiding.  You would have thought someone just told them they had to eat raw brussel sprouts.  I was standing out of the way just chuckling about all of it.  I did get a picture of the big kid and his date, she is darling by the way, and all 4 boys looked very handsome.  As they are all loading into cars to head to the dance all I can think is...dang, I'm glad I have boys.  Every single girl there was adorable... darling dresses, hair done, make-up on, nails done, matching shoes, perfect jewelry...CUTE!  I can't imagine the preparation that went into getting them ready to go...I'm thinking it took hours!  You know what I did to help the big kid get ready?  I made him a sandwich because he was staaarrrvvving!  Then about 15 minutes before we needed to leave he took a shower. ;)  Oh, how I love boys.

I'm gonna have to go with a box wine today, Black Box chardonnay.  First dance tonight, tomorrow is 5th grade graduation for the middle marking the end of elementary school and 8th grade graduation for the big kid.  Momma's gonna need a tap 'o wine and a crazy straw to muscle through all that.  By this time tomorrow I'll have a high schooler, a middle schooler and a third grader.  Sniff, Sniff, can someone get me a tissue?  And maybe some earplugs, because what all that "end of" means is that the day after tomorrow is the first day of summer vacation. (insert scared face here) Twelve weeks of quality (or quantity) together time is heading this way....sort of like a freight train. ;)

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

There's no place like home...

Yesterday started out like any other day, everyone went to school and I met a friend at the movies.  Ok, that's not how every day starts, but it sure was a nice treat...even if the movie was horrible. ;)  Besides me seeing a movie on a weekday, there was another notable difference, the air was hot and humid and felt electrified.  All of the local weathermen were forecasting that conditions were perfect for massive storms to fire up during the late afternoon hours.  People were advised to cancel evening activities, business closed early and kids were checked out of school early so that families could hunker down at home together.   Spring storms are a part of life in Oklahoma.  We are all familiar with terms like sink drain, hook echo and vortex.  There are even drinking games devoted to severe weather, every time the weatherman says hook echo take one shot, maxi tornado take two shots etc etc.  I wouldn't recommend this game if you are trying to keep three kids calm when there is a new tornado on the ground about every 3 minutes.  The weather was so severe and lasted for so long yesterday that if you had been playing you would have been face down somewhere by the end of it all, and not because you were taking your tornado precautions. ;)  We spent the afternoon watching the coverage as the storms began to form.  The storm chasers were out and were streaming live footage of tornadoes as they fell from the sky like giant octopus arms grabbing at anything in their path.  We watched 18 wheeler's get blown over, power lines go down and buildings obliterated.  This is all happening less than 30 miles from our house.  Then they went back to the studio while storm chaser A tried to back up real quick out of the way of the debris being hurled at him and showed the radar.  The current projection had us in the direct path of that tornado.  Three boys here are starting to loose it.   They are all running around like crazy people grabbing pillows and bike helmets and water bottles while I'm saying, "Look outside, it's not even raining here yet."  It's time for a diversion, front yard boys.  A little game of burnout with the baseball will calm anyone's nerves...except mine because they all three throw way too hard and I'm scared to death I'm going to catch one in the teeth. ;)  I've got everyone calmed down and am keeping an eye on the radar on my phone when Bud pulls in the driveway.  He hops out of his car and immediately says, "Get your camera out, we need to take pictures of everything before this thing hits."  What?  Did he seriously just pull in here and throw that out?  Good Lord, now everyone is back in a panic.  The little is running around like Chicken Little, the big one is trying to act cool but is high tailing it inside and the middle disappears into the garage.  He emerges a few minutes later and says, "I'm ready!  Nothing's gonna hurt me now." Love that kid. :)  During this chaos the tornado sirens start to blare their warning that there is indeed a tornado on the ground within 10 miles of us.  All I can do is stand there with my hands on my hips huffing, "Why did you have to get everyone all riled up, as if these damn sirens aren't enough to set anyone's switch to full crazy!"  He starts laughing, apparently he was joking about the camera.  Ohhhh, sorry, we've all lost our sense of humor sometime during the last 2 1/2 hours of full drama from weather guys.  Ha. Ha. Ha. :))

Shortly after all that craziness, the monster made a turn north and cut a mile wide path of destruction about 15 miles west of us through several small towns on the outskirts of Oklahoma City.  A mile's hard to even visualize that.  People's home's were flattened with nothing left but the foundation, cars were in trees, lives were lost; children were pulled from their mother's arms and are still missing.  It is like watching a nightmare playing out on the television.  It is heartbreaking.  It is also a good reminder to hug your kids every day, even when they are being little buggers. ;)  To tell your family and friends that you love them many times every day.  It reminds us that stuff is just stuff and can be replaced.  Dorothy said it best, "There's no place like home", and what makes a house a home is the people inside it.

As our neighbors start the overwhelming task of cleaning up and starting over today, we pray for the families who have lost.  Oklahoma is a place full of amazingly kind people and help will be handed out in a myriad of ways.  Houses will be rebuilt and things that can be replaced will be, and we will move forward.

The wine of the day is Trefethen chardonnay.  It is a very peaceful and easy going white that can be enjoyed with several different entrees and desserts.  I'm feeling some cupcakes coming over here!

Happy storm free Wednesday! :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

One thing I have learned.

This past weekend the little and the middle both played in baseball tournaments.  Thankfully, they were at the same location which makes things so much easier.  It doesn't, however, make it take less time.  We spent the better part of 12 hours at the ball park on Saturday and half the day on Sunday.  My butt now looks like a carton of the stadium cheese that I consumed for 3 meals and is shaped in the form of my pink "sports" chair.  That's a whole other issue, I'll need to take up with my treadmill this week. ;)  I must also apologize to any persons that may have received permanent eye damage from the glare coming off my glowing white legs.  I know it's a scary sight, but after my recent debacle with the self tanner I must concede to the fact that I am indeed white...very white. 

Back to what I have learned...I mean besides the fact that watching baseball is not exercise and self tanner will turn my legs orange every single time I use it. ;)  Over the 11 years that my kids have played some sort of sport I have seen a lot of crazy things.  Some day I will write a book on what I like to call "parent centered" sports and it will say that you should never go to the ball park without  your sense of humor and a good pair of headphones plugged into your ipod.  If you can't laugh at it you better be able to block it out somehow because it can get a little crazy.  The little and the middle both play on teams that are pretty solid and can win some games.  More importantly, both are on teams that have coaches with a great sense of the importance of little league baseball.  Fundamentals are important, but so is having a good time.  There is a lot of grace shown and all of our coaches continually set a great example of sportsmanship.  We are also blessed with families on both teams that are loving, supportive and kind.   I have found that this combination is rare and a gift to be treasured.  Our kids have a limited time to play sports like baseball.  At some point their time on the diamond will be done.  It might be after little league, or maybe high school; a rare few will play college ball.  I once read that your child is more likely to win the lottery in their lifetime than to play a professional sport of any kind.  That includes the professional dart circuit. ;)  Why make any of this limited time stressful for them?  Why get so worked up during games that you set a bad example of yelling at coaches, umpires or 8 year olds?  Why put the "W" in front of the spirit of a child?  If they only have 8 years to play a sport before they aren't good enough or big enough or their interests shift, why take any of the fun out of those precious years?  Bud calls me a quaker because I really don't have a competitive bone in my body, so I know that some of "what I have learned" is just my quakerness coming out.  Regardless, realizing that things end is a great way to appreciate what you have. :)    

The wine of the day is Pink Umbrella Pinot Grigio.  I was told by the local weatherman to take my tornado precautions at 8am this morning because there is a high chance of severe weather this evening.  My precautions include a good bottle of wine on the front porch watching the clouds roll in.  If anyone asks, I'll just tell them I sat outside with my pink umbrella, a perfectly logical thing to do in the rain. ;)  If the severe part kicks in, I'll throw on my bike helmet and use a plastic glass. :))

Happy Monday!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Navigation and Validation

About 14 years ago I was faced with a difficult decision.  There was a new baby in the house and a career on hold waiting for my return.  It's a decision many a mom has to make and it's not an easy one for any of us.  It would help if there was a "right" answer to this question, but there just isn't.  It's different for every mom and every family, and even changes with time and circumstances.  Over the years of staying home I have waffled between loving it and hating it, looking for a job and enjoying my time as home room mom.  My heart knows being home with them is the right decision; sometimes my head gets a little confused on the matter. ;)

On one of our recent trips to a baseball game (have I mentioned that I watch a lot of little league baseball? ;) the little one is chattering away in the back seat.   After a few minutes, he stops mid sentence and asks where we are going.  I'm thinking that should be fairly obvious since he is in his uniform and I have stated at least 15 times that "we need to leave for your game now!"  Being the ever observant one he noticed I was taking a different route to the baseball park from the previous day.  "Yes I am little one, yesterday we were driving during rush hour, so I chose a route that helped us avoid some traffic.  Today is Saturday so this way is actually faster."  He pondered on that for a few minutes and then said, "Seems like most people are driving home from work during the week around dinner time, and then stay home on Saturday.  I wonder if dad could choose if he would work Saturday instead of during the week.  I think he likes having Saturday off to go to baseball games.  Plus he knows that during the week you're home to navigate us."  Then we were both quiet for while, I was pondering the "navigate"statement, and he was probably trying to remember if he had underwear on.  Just kidding, I'm the only one that gives a second thought to the underwear issue, he was probably trying remember if there was a new Sponge Bob coming on later.  I finally had to ask, "What do you mean by navigate?"  He thought for a second and said, "Well, you're always around to take care of us and get us snacks and stuff.  Plus you drive us to practice and games and stuff when dad is at navigate us.  Is that the wrong word there, maybe there's another word for what you do."  No, I like navigate.  He just put my heart two points up on my head in the stay home or work race.  Tomorrow, there will be a big hairy fight between the three of them and my head will catch back up. ;)

Last night the middle had a game (have I mentioned that I watch a lot of little league baseball?  Oh, yes I have mentioned that. ;)  The big one and a friend were doing their usual "we are 14 and too cool to be here" act and decided to wander over to the other side of the park where there was a "flash mob" being staged.  There is a local group trying to get Ellen DeGeneres to come dance with the Thunder Girls at an upcoming playoff game against the Mavericks.   In less than 5 minutes I received this picture from the big kid via text message.

Suddenly these two 14 year old boys are a little more interested in getting Ellen to town. ;)  Nice work boys.  I bet daddy-o is wishing he was "navigating" with the big one about now. :)

The wine of the day is called Little Black Dress merlot.  No games tonight (woot woot) so I think I'll have 2 glasses and then be in the front yard doing a dance similar to Elaine Bennett's from Seinfeld in hopes that it will conjure up some rain clouds!  With a little luck and a little rain, I'll get to don a little black dress of my own and go out on a date tomorrow night! :)  Sometimes a girl needs to be more than just the navigator and #1 fan. ;)

Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

This is a brag...I mean blog. :)

Oh, another day...   That's what I have been saying to myself for about a week, as I am walking out the door to a sporting event.  I must pass by my computer with a million ideas running thru my head of what to write, and keep on walking.  How am I supposed to keep my sanity thru writing if I can't find the time to write?  Sorry keyboard, you will have to wait, I have more important things to do.   Because one day, little league baseball will be over and middle school tennis will give way to high school and then who knows what.  These days of getting to watch my boys play their passions out on the field or court are short lived and a blessing and I wouldn't miss a single one of them...even to write. :)  So here is a pictorial review to the last week in sports at our house.  It's our very own top 10 plays of the week!

State tennis tournament!  Big kid serving an ace...some serious effort goes into that serve, no major league tennis circuit grunting though. ;)

Dang, should hurts!

5th in the state!! Oh yeah baby!

Over the weekend the little one played in a tournament in a little town west of the metro area.
That is one faaaasssttt little white boy!

It's a pop up....wait for it, watch it...

Caught it!

Such a little ham...he had that same grin on his face when he crossed the plate after a home run!

And then....the grand finale of the weekend...

Chill is in the hoooouuuussseeeee!

First place for the usually struggling Express!!  Sometimes the nice guys do finish first. :)  And the middle left the weekend with a huge trophy and some sweet lace marks on his ankle.  I think he took the phrase "take one for the team" a little too seriously. ;)

The wine of the day wine today.  The little one has team pics and a game this evening so it's back to the ball park.  Best to leave the wine at home. ;)  Or, on second, better stick with the big gulp.

Happy Tuesday!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Sex Talk 101

WARNING:  As the title suggests, there is some talk of S. E. X. in the blog today.  If that is not something you wish to read about, you might want to come visit me another day. ;)

Earlier this week the middle and I took off for the ballpark.  He had a baseball game and the two of us were heading out early for the warm up.  It is a 10 minute drive.  The middle is a talker, so he was rambling on about something or other and I was tuned out in my own world; then I heard the word sex.  Nothing will snap you out of a nice day dream like the word sex from your 11 year old. ;) What's that you say?  He rolls his eyes and says again, "I saaaaid, hey mom, we are watching the sex video tomorrow in school." All I can think is, your poor teacher.  But I say, "Oh, ok...well, have fun with that.  And don't act like a buffoon, you're going to have to pretend like you are mature for a little bit."  More eye rolling and an exasperated, "Ya, ok, I won't laugh and make crude hip gyrations."  Umm, that really isn't what I meant, but I decided not to take that particular road,  I was having a hard enough time staying on the road I was actually driving on at the moment. ;) He forges on, "So, it's on growth and development and HIV prevention.  Before I go and look like a big idiot, what is HIV, how do you get it and how do you prevent it?"  He and I have already been thru the  "sex" talk a couple of years ago, thanks to the big kid's science homework and the always exciting sperm whale ;) so I was hopeful that a quick "no dirty needles and have safe sex" would do it.  No such luck.  He went right to the obvious question, "What does that mean, safe sex?"  Oh, dear Lord, do I really have to explain this to him on the way to a baseball game?  In less than 10 minutes?  Blah!  I had no time to prepare for this, I just had to do my best, while weaving in and out of traffic like I was playing Frogger. ;)  What I was hoping for was a green light pass to the ball park so that I could defer this conversation until later...when dad was around too.  So what happened?  I got every red light.  He is looking at me expectantly so I have to just plunge right in, "You have sex with only your wife and she has sex with only you and then you are fine.  :) Howweevverrrr, if you just have sex with someone you have to wear a condom."  Saying that without cringing takes a herculean effort.  I should have anticipated the next question, but I was trying to think and drive and not act like I was dyeing inside.  "What's a condom?"  You.Are.Killing.Me. Where is the stinking ball park?  In the calmest, most unexcited voice I can muster I say "It's a rubber thing you put on your ..... self."  He thinks for about half a second and shoots back, "Oh, kind of like a rubber glove for your penis?"  Yep, and I just ran the last red light to get us to the ball park in record time.  Didn't even give him the extra 30 seconds it would take to park, I pulled right up to the gate and send him packing.  Then I parked, took 3 deep breaths and burst out laughing.  Did that just happen?  Wonder how he's going to do in his game tonight...that's a lot of information to process while swinging a bat!  He uncharacteristically struck out the first two times at bat and I am thinking...oh my gosh, what did I just do to him.  He is right now trying to figure out how a glove will fit on that thing and why in the world would you ever want to do THAT!  One of the most amazing things about this kid?  His ability to shake off whatever has just happened and move on.  His third at bat resulted in a walk off home run that scored 3 runs and won the game!
Today he ran off the bus and flew threw the front door, "Hey Mom!  You were right!  You really do know what a condom is! Thanks for explaining that to me the other day, some kids were totally clueless and were really embarrassed by the whole thing."  So, all the sweaty palms and crazy driving were worth it.  Victory!

The wine of the day is Cupcake chardonnay because right now I need to go to my happy place and think about something other than sex talks. Cupcakes are always happy...well so is sex if it doesn't have to do with discussing it with your 11 year old in the car. ;)  I also made some delicious chocolate chip cupcakes to go with my yummy wine.  I'm a firm believer in anything made in my home is "homemade" even if it is from a box mix. ;)  Besides, this particular mix says right on the front that it's made with 100% whole grain so I KNOW it's healthy...I'm having 2!

Happy Wednesday!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Being A Mom.

Children are a blessing
And that I can't deny
No matter how you love them
Your patience they will try

They come as tiny babes
It's called a bundle of joy
And then they start their crying
Maybe they need soy?

As toddlers they are on their feet
And really on the go
It seems that many days
You only tell them no

When they get to pre-school age
You think you've lost your mind
Reasoning with a three year old
And wiping little behinds

Then off to school they go
Learning to read and write
So busy all of the day
You can't wait to say "night night"

Growing into bigger kids
The limits they are testing
Another broken window?
Oh, surely you are jesting

When they hit the teenage years
Things get a little crazy
Always on their cell phone
And when did you get so lazy?

And then it's time to let them go
And hope with all your might
That they don't crash and burn
When they first take flight

Even thru all the trials
Being a mom is the best
How boring life would be
If all you did was rest  ;)

**The reason I can find humor in all things mommy is because of the three little men I am so very blessed to have.  They make me laugh every single day. :)

The wine of the day is Le Faux Frog chardonnay in honor of my mom, the frog lady.  She has taught me the meaning of the word mom, and that meaning is love.  She is the most loving, giving, encouraging, patient, selfless person I know and when I grow up I want to be just like her. :)

Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 6, 2011

My Life in Groceries.

There are many chores in a mom's life that cannot be avoided.  Some are not so bad, others downright nasty and some are just a huge (although necessary) pain in the rear end.  Today I had one of the latter...the grocery store.  Once a week I have to do this dastardly deed to keep the natives from getting too restless.  Today as I was unloading my very full cart onto the conveyer belt, a nice older gentleman behind me said (and quite loudly I might add, he may need a new battery in his hearing aid), "Wow, little missy (he actually called me little missy, which made my day) you sure have a cart full, you doing your monthly shopping?"  I completely burst out laughing, I'm not sure why this statement struck me as this funny, maybe it was the absurdity of it? ;)  "No sir, I get to make this trip once a week."  He quips back, "Good Lord, you feeding an army?"  At this point I have become something like a circus freak side show with people from as far as three lanes over craning their necks to see what this crazy lady has in her cart.  An older lady in the next lane says, (also quite loudly...what is up with that?), "Oh my poor dear, you must have boys."  Bingo!  The sympathetic looks I got from at least 10 different people within shouting distance of us was worth the grocery bill. ;)  It also got me thinking about my life in groceries.

When Bud and I were first married my grocery cart had bread, cereal, chips & salsa and a lot of wine.  That was all we needed.  We often met after work at some chic place for dinner like the real grown ups we thought we 24. ;)  The grocery store was nothing more than a quick drive by.

The Baby Years
Grocery runs must now be made every 2 weeks or so and the cart is getting fuller.  If your looking for me, I'll be on aisle 9...the baby food aisle.  When you have to feed a baby three times a day from those little jars of mushed up goo you had better stock up, or you'll be back quicker than you want to with said baby.  And whether you have kids or not you know that the best way to make a baby cry is to stand in a check out line with the slowest checker on planet earth.  Oh, and don't forget the wine.

The Toddler Years
Must go to the grocery store only in the wee hours of the morning or late at night when someone else can watch the little tyrant.  Taking a toddler in a grocery store is like walking head first into a wall of hot lava....painful.  The cart is now full of all manner of finger foods.  You're so happy to not be spoon feeding a runny mess into your babies mouth that you will buy anything that they can feed themselves.  And for crying out loud...don't forget the wine!

The Kid Years
These are some easy grocery years right here.  The kids aren't too hard to take with you (if you don't mind spending an extra $100 on junk food ;), and they eat a fairly normal diet. Unless they are my little and then they only eat grilled cheese sandwiches and pancakes. ;)  The cart is full of bread, chicken, macaroni & cheese and fruit.  And, of course a bottle of wine or two.

This brings me to where I am today with 2 in the kid years and 1 in the teen years...hence my overloaded cart every single week.

The Teen Years
All I can say about this period might want to look into a second job.  The cart will be full of chicken, turkey, fish, milk, bread, chips, popcorn, fruit, granola bars, cheese, jello, get the picture.  Teenagers can be very wine inducing (not to be mistaken for imbibing which they are not quite old enough to do) so picking up a couple of bottles of wine with all that food is a must!

Past this I really can't say what the groceries will look like.  From the looks of my new elderly friends at the store today, it will include fruit, bread and stool softeners.  I'll take my circus freak show cart any day over that. ;)  I wonder what kind of wine goes well with stool softeners...Lord willing, I'll never know. ;)

The wine of the day is Mother's Milk shiraz.  You aren't going to find that at a grocery store around here. ;)  Oh now, mind out of the gutter.  What I meant was, here in the middle of the bible belt they don't sell wine in the grocery store...seriously they don't.  Not to worry, there is always a wine store conveniently located right next door to the local grocer.  These people aren't fools, they know that any mother buying milk for her children is going to need a stop by the wine shop directly afterwards.

Happy Friday!

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Best Advice I Wish I Had Never Given.

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.  If you're an American Idol fan, and even if you're not, you probably have heard this little rap made up and preformed by an Idol hopeful last season.  I'm with that guy, not a big fan of the pants "shaggin" real low and hats on sideways.  In fact, I have spent a good portion of the last few years telling one boy or another to pull their pants up; no one wants to see your underwear boys.  Gross.  We also don't do hats with a punkish little tilt to the side.  Nope, you can put it on straight forward or full backwards, or you can always just take it off and give it to me. ;)  I've only had to snatch up 2 hats to get that point across.  No one, not even a 10 year old boy, wants to take a hat off in public after they have had one on all day.

This morning the big kid comes out to the kitchen dressed and ready for school.  We've had a late spring cold snap so he had on jeans and a jacket.  It only took about half a glance for me to see that we have a major problem here.  The jeans are about 2 inches too short.  Whoa, hold on a second buddy, do you have any other jeans?  Seems this is his biggest pair.  He's on the verge of a major teenage meltdown, the kind that looks surprisingly similar to a two year old meltdown.  "Moommmmmmm, I can't wear these to school!  I look like a big dork!  We have to get some new jeans!  Noooowwww!"  What?  Are you kidding me?  It's 7:30 in the morning buddy, there is no place open to buy jeans right now.  The following statement was out of my mouth before I could think it thru; apparently my filter was taking the morning off. ;)  "Just pull your jeans down a bunch, tighten up the belt so they don't fall off and let your shirt hang low."  Parental suicide has been committed.  In exactly 0.2 seconds I have undermined myself in 10 different ways.  Crap.  Before I can pull my foot out of my mouth the middle one bursts out laughing and says, "Mom, you just told the big kid to shag!  HA!  You did!  You did it!  You said he should pull his jeans down and let his undies hang out! HA You actually just said that!"  If someone had just walked up on this situation they would probably think the 11 year old had just won the lottery, and the adult in the room was in a vertical coma.  I could not focus my sleepy Monday morning brain into any sort of coherent thoughts, let alone intelligent ones.  As I start my weak attempt at justifying myself, the little one says in his off the cuff sarcastic way, "Wow Mom.  I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth."  Clearly, I am done here but I refuse to admit defeat.  That is NOT how I want to start this day.  Instead I say, "You people (that's how I like to address the three of them when I'm trying to deflect)...You people need to just pipe down here.  The kid can't go to school in high waters, and the mall isn't open.  Get over it.  He'll just have to show his underwear today. Sheesh.  You do have underwear on, right?"  The big kid gives me an eye roll any girl could be proud of, and the little one jumps up and says, "Uhhh, hang on..I'll be right back."  ;)

The wine of the day is Whoop Whoop shiraz.  The day ended with a baseball game cancelled for rain and then the sun coming out.  Since we had a free night the whole fam loaded up and off we went to the neighborhood tennis courts for a little friendly sport.  This resulted in one thrown racket, three naughty words, too many ball jokes to even begin counting, one perfect match, one not so perfect herkie, one pulled hamstring (thanks to that not so perfect herkie) and 3 "home runs"!  Quality family time can come in many different  forms. ;)  I did manage to beat both the 11 and 8 year olds - Whoop Whoop!  I think I'll just raise the roof and leave the herkie's to the young-ins. ;)

Happy Monday!