The W(h)ine Hour..

Every household has one…the whine hour. It’s those bewitching hours between approximately 5 and 8pm in the evening when the kids go crazy and moms across the world lose their minds completely. It doesn’t matter if you have babies, toddlers, kids, tweens, or teens; those hours of dinner/homework/bath time/ bedtime can just about do a momma in. What is a girl to do? It’s simple and brilliant actually, just slip in a little wine of your own! Now, I’m not suggesting anyone down a bottle of whiskey everyday between the hours of 5 and 8, in fact if you do that you will have a few whine hours of your own the next morning. Basically, a little wine during the whine hours will keep you out of the padded cell at the local cookoo house where people will walk by and peek in your little window and say things like “aww, poor mom has lost her marbles” and “hmmm, now that’s a crazy one right there, sits in there all day and hits herself over the head with a Barbie and a hotwheel”. Don’t smirk, it can happen.

So, enjoy the tales of my whine hour, and how I survive each and everyone of one of them with a sense of humor and a good bottle of wine! After all, the whine hour comes around every single day, a girl has to be prepared!


Saturday, November 5, 2011

That's just in not true.

It's halloween.  That magical night that comes just once a year when you can be anyone or anything you want to be!  All three of the boys picked their costumes and were ready to go.   Because I am one of the meanest mom's on the planet I won't let them be anything scary, so funny it is. 

The big one decided to be John McEnroe...
 The middle one Joe Dirt...
 And the little dressed up as a Jester...

Because I run on the maturity level of any one of my three children at any given time, of course I dressed up too. ;)  Who doesn't want to dress up as someone else and ask for candy?  Well, ok I didn't actually go around trick or treating, but it sure was tempting.  Instead, I just trick or treated out of my three amigos candy bags. ;)  This year I was waffling between a 70's girl or a cheerleader when my mom found some long white gloves tucked away in a drawer.  Bingo!  Audrey Hepburn it is!  I have the perfect black dress in my closet (because a girl just needs to have a few of those black dresses on hand) and set off to the local hobby store to get all the supplies needed to make the cutest blinged out long cigarette in all the land.  All that was left was applying the appropriate amount of Hepburn makeup.  I had purchased some deliciously long false eyelashes to complete my look and headed to the bathroom to "get all done up."  The middle was in there with me, already suited up in his joe dirt costume and looking every bit the true redneck.  

The false eyelash box I have purchased is clearly labeled with the words "EASY APPLICATION".  False advertising at it's best.  My first clue that this might be a little more involved than the 10 minutes I have allowed to apply the beasts should have been the 3 page instruction sheet which was printed in type so small it would take the Hubble telescope to see it.  This, however, did not deter me, after all the box says "EASY APPLICATION".   So I forged ahead.  I pulled the first lash off the plastic, ummm, why are these things not labeled right and left?  Let's see here, this fits on this eye going this way or the other eye going that way.  I'm feeling a bit like a toddler trying to hold a pencil right now, all chubby handed fumble fingers. ;)  But I continue to forge ahead.  Next comes out the little bottle of glue, why this didn't seem like a bad idea I have no explanation, except that I was hell bent on glamming it up.  After 6 attempts to attach the lash I have decided goes on the right eye, I have it stuck from the middle to the outside corner with the inside corner flapping in the breeze.  The middle kid takes one look at me and says in his best redneck accent, "Whoa...that don't look right."  Really?  Thanks joe, why don't you go find some dirt and play in it, this is real women's work.  I finally get the inside corner to attach (sort of) and decided to head on over to the left one.  Good Lord, my biceps and triceps are burning from holding my arms up and my jaw aches from holding my mouth open for so long.  Why must the mouth be open as wide as possible when messing with the eye? ;) After another dozen or so minutes of "attaching" the left lash, the unthinkable happens.  A dab of the glue gets in the corner of my eye!  Oh. My. Gosh.  Ouch.  My eye is burning and watering and then sticks shut at the inside corner.  Shut.  Like will not open.  EEEEK!  Of course, this throws me into a complete panic and I start throwing warm water on my eye, dragging my contact out as quickly as possible, and then holding my face under the faucet so the warm water can run straight thru my eye.  This whole scene is accompanied by a long string of curse words that I am not too proud of, and hysterical laughter by one Mr. Joe Dirt.  When my eye finally opens it appears that satan himself has taken it over as it is glowing bright red.  I have also washed both eyelashes off my face and they are snaking their way down the drain, hopefully heading back to the place where they have come not Target, hell.   At this point I have 5 minutes left to turn my nose running, water logged, demon eyed self into the lovely Miss Hepburn.  Awesome.  After a bottle of visine (which by the way sting in a way any bee could be proud of), a towel, my hairdryer and a good old fashioned chip clip I was ready to start the makeup again.  Forget the stupid lashes, a good thick strip of eyeliner will have to do.  
Not exactly Hepburn, but it's the best this girl could do after the eyelash debacle.  Next year I'm dressing up as anything that includes a mask. ;)

The wine of the day is Seven Deadly Zins, it's a wonderful heavy zinfandel perfect for anyone wishing to think of something besides eyes glued shut.  Too bad that blinged out long cigarette wasn't actually a straw. ;)

Happy Saturday!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

You should see the other guy

A couple of days ago the middle and little were playing outside.  They pulled out every single size and kind of ball we have and a couple of baseball bats.  This turned in to something of a science experiment...which ball goes the furthest when hit with a baseball bat.  This hypothesis worked just fine with the bouncy ball, the baseball, the tennis ball and even the football; then they decided to try a basketball.  As many of you may have already guessed or might expect, it didn't go very well.  The middle took a full swing at the basketball which absorbed all of the power and "rebounded" the bat right back into his face.

This is how that turned out.  Yikes!  Only by the grace of God does the kid still have an eyeball.  Needless to say, he got a hooky day from school.  Although, I hate to use the word "hooky" as it implies something fun, and there is nothing fun about this.  As he was preparing to take his banged up self back to school he was trying to decide what his "story" should be.  He thought it would be way to embarrassing to tell the other kids he hit himself in the face with a bat.   I suggested he tell people he was in a huge fight with some massive 8th grader concluding with "you should see the other guy."
"That statement is a little used up mom, I've got think of something more creative."  So the five of us sat down and constructed a few tall tales.  And we came up with some doozies...flipped his dirt bike, snuck the razor out and rolled, suck the razor out and rolled while trying to cross the highway, jumped off the roof and landed on a rock (I don't know about that one, must have been offered up by the little ;), and my personal favorite offered up by the teenager, "Just tell everyone I punched you in the face, that's awesome."  Umm, not really that awesome.  It's always a good idea to have a family meeting to make up lies...A+ parenting at it's best. ;)  He finally decided to tell the truth because maybe it would keep some other kid from trying to see how far a basketball will go when hit with a bat.  Smart kid. :)
Interestingly, the verse from the devotional book he and I are reading together last night was "You are kind, Lord, so good and merciful.  You protect ordinary people, and when I was helpless, you saved me and treated me so kindly that I don't need to worry anymore." Psalm 116:5-7.  His one eye got huge and I watched his face light up, "What?  Wow!  Did you hear that verse mom?  He protected my eye!  And maybe he's going to use me to protect someone else from doing the same dumb thing!  This is awesome!"  Wow is right buddy, how did you get so smart and so perfectly centered on what is true and right?  Impressive!
So today he is at school getting the sympathy attention from all the ladies.  I'm expecting a call from him (or child protective services) at any moment, because when the attention wears off he is going to be needing some more Motrin and an ice pack. ;)

The wine of the day is Left Foot Charley pinot blanc; in honor of my left eye middle kid. ;)  That kid is definitely going to make me want a glass or get a gray hair or have a heart attack....hopefully the first one will stave off the latter two. ;)

Happy Thursday!