WARNING: As the title suggests, there is some talk of S. E. X. in the blog today. If that is not something you wish to read about, you might want to come visit me another day. ;)
Earlier this week the middle and I took off for the ballpark. He had a baseball game and the two of us were heading out early for the warm up. It is a 10 minute drive. The middle is a talker, so he was rambling on about something or other and I was tuned out in my own world; then I heard the word sex. Nothing will snap you out of a nice day dream like the word sex from your 11 year old. ;) What's that you say? He rolls his eyes and says again, "I saaaaid, hey mom, we are watching the sex video tomorrow in school." All I can think is, your poor teacher. But I say, "Oh, ok...well, have fun with that. And don't act like a buffoon, you're going to have to pretend like you are mature for a little bit." More eye rolling and an exasperated, "Ya, ok, I won't laugh and make crude hip gyrations." Umm, that really isn't what I meant, but I decided not to take that particular road, I was having a hard enough time staying on the road I was actually driving on at the moment. ;) He forges on, "So, it's on growth and development and HIV prevention. Before I go and look like a big idiot, what is HIV, how do you get it and how do you prevent it?" He and I have already been thru the "sex" talk a couple of years ago, thanks to the big kid's science homework and the always exciting sperm whale ;) so I was hopeful that a quick "no dirty needles and have safe sex" would do it. No such luck. He went right to the obvious question, "What does that mean, safe sex?" Oh, dear Lord, do I really have to explain this to him on the way to a baseball game? In less than 10 minutes? Blah! I had no time to prepare for this, I just had to do my best, while weaving in and out of traffic like I was playing Frogger. ;) What I was hoping for was a green light pass to the ball park so that I could defer this conversation until later...when dad was around too. So what happened? I got every red light. He is looking at me expectantly so I have to just plunge right in, "You have sex with only your wife and she has sex with only you and then you are fine. :) Howweevverrrr, if you just have sex with someone you have to wear a condom." Saying that without cringing takes a herculean effort. I should have anticipated the next question, but I was trying to think and drive and not act like I was dyeing inside. "What's a condom?" You.Are.Killing.Me. Where is the stinking ball park? In the calmest, most unexcited voice I can muster I say "It's a rubber thing you put on your ..... self." He thinks for about half a second and shoots back, "Oh, kind of like a rubber glove for your penis?" Yep, and I just ran the last red light to get us to the ball park in record time. Didn't even give him the extra 30 seconds it would take to park, I pulled right up to the gate and send him packing. Then I parked, took 3 deep breaths and burst out laughing. Did that just happen? Wonder how he's going to do in his game tonight...that's a lot of information to process while swinging a bat! He uncharacteristically struck out the first two times at bat and I am thinking...oh my gosh, what did I just do to him. He is right now trying to figure out how a glove will fit on that thing and why in the world would you ever want to do THAT! One of the most amazing things about this kid? His ability to shake off whatever has just happened and move on. His third at bat resulted in a walk off home run that scored 3 runs and won the game!
Today he ran off the bus and flew threw the front door, "Hey Mom! You were right! You really do know what a condom is! Thanks for explaining that to me the other day, some kids were totally clueless and were really embarrassed by the whole thing." So, all the sweaty palms and crazy driving were worth it. Victory!
The wine of the day is Cupcake chardonnay because right now I need to go to my happy place and think about something other than sex talks. Cupcakes are always happy...well so is sex if it doesn't have to do with discussing it with your 11 year old in the car. ;) I also made some delicious chocolate chip cupcakes to go with my yummy wine. I'm a firm believer in anything made in my home is "homemade" even if it is from a box mix. ;) Besides, this particular mix says right on the front that it's made with 100% whole grain so I KNOW it's healthy...I'm having 2!
The W(h)ine Hour..
Every household has one…the whine hour. It’s those bewitching hours between approximately 5 and 8pm in the evening when the kids go crazy and moms across the world lose their minds completely. It doesn’t matter if you have babies, toddlers, kids, tweens, or teens; those hours of dinner/homework/bath time/ bedtime can just about do a momma in. What is a girl to do? It’s simple and brilliant actually, just slip in a little wine of your own! Now, I’m not suggesting anyone down a bottle of whiskey everyday between the hours of 5 and 8, in fact if you do that you will have a few whine hours of your own the next morning. Basically, a little wine during the whine hours will keep you out of the padded cell at the local cookoo house where people will walk by and peek in your little window and say things like “aww, poor mom has lost her marbles” and “hmmm, now that’s a crazy one right there, sits in there all day and hits herself over the head with a Barbie and a hotwheel”. Don’t smirk, it can happen.
So, enjoy the tales of my whine hour, and how I survive each and everyone of one of them with a sense of humor and a good bottle of wine! After all, the whine hour comes around every single day, a girl has to be prepared!